Wednesday, May 25, 2005

We’ll Always Have Paris

And that’s so depressing.

I’m not talking about the City of Lights. I’m talking about the bane of humanity…Paris Hilton. Her new Carl’s Jr. Hamburger ad is running now here in LA. And I have a bone to pick.

Wait, that’s probably not the best choice of words when one’s talking about Paris Hilton. After all, that’s part of the problem. Too many idiots are picking their bones to Paris Hilton. And now you don’t have to try to find some time when there’s no one near the computer to log onto the internet and do it. You can just watch primetime television and wait for her commercial.

Here’s the beef. I now find myself having some kind of identity crisis. When Paris comes on the screen and wiggles her vagina at me it doesn’t make me want lunch, it makes me desperate not to loose my lunch.

What’s wrong with me? I used to be all man, baby.

And now my masculine little world is crashing down around me. What kind of man am I? My adversity to the whole ad campaign makes me question my testosterone levels. I used to be pretty damned sure that I wasn’t gay. But now I find myself being turned off by the very thing that so many perfectly virile men crave. I need to spend some time at one of those “man camps,” the kind where men get together to pretend like their Native Americans, kill things and objectify chicks. Maybe then I’d find my testicles.

Maybe then I’d love hamburgers again.

As for Paris Hilton…damn you! You’ve made me question my love for America’s favorite food! You’ve made me feel inferior. Get off my television!

Come on, I can’t be the only heterosexual guy in this world who is absolutely disgusted by Paris Hilton, can I? And I’m no prude. I don’t care if Carl’s Junior wants to advertise their Spicy BBQ Six Dollar Burger with hardcore porn. But please, make it porn that I can sit through without wanting to put a wolverine in my underwear just to put my little man out of his little misery.

Granted, when I see Miss Hilton, Six Dollars IS the first thing to come to mind, but it has very little to do with hamburgers.

Paris does have her fans though. She has to. Would someone please explain to me why she is sexy? Please?! I really want to know. I’m being serious.

Is it her scrawny, stick body?

Is it her absolutely vapid personality?

Is it her rehearsed lack of respect for anything remotely important to people?

Is it her utter lack of any discernable talent for anything other than giving ass-jerk, opportunist ex-s BJs?

Is it her monumentally homely rat face?

Drop me a comment and let me know. You don’t even have to use your name if you don’t want to. I wouldn’t admit to being a Paris Hilton fan. Then again, I’m not a fan so…

Let’s get to the bottom of this. My entire faith in myself as a male human being is at stake here. I have to know if Paris Hilton is actually a horribly spoilt Six Dollar whore – or if I’m just insanely out of touch with what’s “hot.”



Fun Fact: I can’t believe that actually used the term “BJ.” I had a flashback to junior high when I wrote that.

He, he, he…BJ.

No comments: