Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Now a Shirtless Man Throws Out $100 Bills as He Grinds his Genitals Into a Bikini-Clad Ghetto Rat…Again…

They’re making music videos for blind people. It sounds like a bad Saturday Night Live Sketch. But it’s real. My only question is: when they broadcast the Braille will the dots damage my TV screen?

I tease the sightless. But, really, music legend Stevie Wonder is teaming up with rapper Busta Rhymes to bring music videos to the blind.

That’s right. Stevie is trying to spread the love a little. He’s asked Busta to record a secondary track for his latest video “So What [sic] the Fuss?” (Presumably to draw attention away from the poor grammar?)

Stevie, and rightly so, believes that blind people have been neglected for far too long when it comes to music videos. Sure, they can listen to the music, but what’s the point of listening to anything if you can’t see the video?

This could lead to a whole new audience for music videos. I’m sure that the entire R&B world is clamoring to jump on the bandwagon. The sky’s the limit when it comes to roping in that all important “music video-watching blind person” demographic.

And with Busta lending his throaty voice to the description track, I’m certain that sightless people won’t be disappointed.

Besides, now Stevie can actually enjoy his own music videos. And they are fantastic. In fact, if given the choice, I’ll bet most people would opt to watch Stevie’s videos than listen to his legendary, soulful and timeless music.

I picture him listening to the commentary and self-consciously saying, “They’re doing what in the background? Isn’t that a little…suggestive?”

But that probably won’t happen. For one, I certain that Stevie has 100% control over his business and secondly, he’s a class act and his videos aren’t overly…graphic.

But not everyone has the moral fortitude of Stevie Wonder. What I would really like to hear is the commentary for other videos. What would Usher’s description track be like?

Okay, now Usher is standing alone in the middle of a room with his shirt off. Now it’s raining on him with his shirt off. Now he’s making out with a woman…yeah, right, like that’s ever happened…sorry, back to the video…So, now he has his shirt off and he’s looking forlorn. Now he’s in the park…he’s put his shirt back on! No, I’m kidding…it’s off…

And you would have to hire another rapper to do the commentary on a rap video. They’re the only ones possibly capable of describing the events without giggling uncontrollably.

MC Thuggin’ is rolling down the strip wid his homies. Now he’s throwing money out da car and not watchin’ the road. He’s checkin’ the fine ladies on the street. They roll. They roll. They roll some more. Okay, now he’s pullin’ over to put his discourse down on one finy hiny. And…wait…is dat MaShequa?! Oh no! No MC don’t get near dat mess, yo! I ain’t playin’! You’ll wake up in da quarantine wing of da hospital wit your “little pimp” in a hazmat suit! He ain’t listening to me! …Okay, coz, it’s your funeral. Hope you ain’t allergic to antibiotics.

And a Lindsay Lohan video would be a cinch. And since she’s like so classy and whatnot, she could have her butler do it for her.

And now Ms. Lohan is writhing against a wall with her arms over her head. Oh dear. That’s not wholesome. Alright, at the present moment she’s lip-synching and pouting all at once. Which takes a lot of skill, really. You try to be sluttish and sing at the same time. Not so easy is it? Now the little miss is tugging at her jeans. They seem to be cutting off her circulation. I told to maid not to dry them! Oh, my, there go her arms over her head again. I insinuated the other day that I needed a raise, but this is…

Sorry, the butler got creepy there at the end.

Call me strange, but I think music videos for blind people are odd. Then again, I’m not blind. If I was, I might appreciate them more. And who am I to disparage blind people from wanting anything that would make their “situation” more enjoyable?

And I suspect that when blind people get a full description of what most music videos are like, they’ll be glad they can’t see them.

Fun Fact: The latest TAM Cartoon is up! Brailleicious! It’s hilarious!

My wonderful blind readers will just have to take my word for it.

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