Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Shoot First, Ask Questions Later

After what I’m sure was a bitter battle with their conscience, ABC has decided to air their American Idol expose “Fallen Idol” on Primetime Live tonight.

The network has been threatened with lawsuits by Paula Abdul if the show airs because of former contestant and expose “architect” Corey Clark’s claims against her. Season two reject and sister-beater Corey claims that he received “private coaching” from Paula and, more incendiary, that he and Abdul had a secret affair.

It’s all so sordid and derivative. But ABC is powering through, citing their network news duty to proliferate gossipy tripe.

Corey claims that Paula “seduced him,” that they had “wild, drunken sex” and that she gave him an unfair advantage in the competition by coaching him on ways to endear himself to the audience.

I suspect it’s the complete and total failure of that last thing that incited Corey’s odium.

For one, Corey doesn’t seem like the type of guy that any woman would have to seduce. He seems more the type that’s put in the cabinet cocked and loaded if you know what I mean.

Secondly, the inclusion of the “drunken” claim raises a red flag for me. Is that supposed to prove a privileged insight? “We had sex, and Paula was…drunk!” It proves nothing to me. It’s a little like saying “We had sex, and Paula was…a washed up pop princess!”

Pardon my French, but…no doy!

“Backstage at American Idol, Paula was…drunk!” “We went to the supermarket to buy vodka and Paula was…drunk!”

These aren’t claims by Corey as far as I know. I was just adding my own for good measure. Because Paula…is drunk!

And I would be too if I had to deal with people like Corey Clark. I hated that little crap-ass when he was on the show. I hate him now. I wish he would shut the hell up. Of course, I’m going to watch the expose, but I’m not going to enjoy it.

Paula dismisses Corey’s assertions by stating that she’s not going to “dignify” his claims with a response. She also points out that Corey has a history of lying and a criminal record. You can’t trust a criminal, can you Paula? Dirty criminals. Hit and run criminals!

…oh, wait.

Pots and Kettles, Ms. Abdul. Pots and Kettles.

The FOX network is upset by the special. They claim that there are ulterior motives behind Clarks tattling. Like promotion for an upcoming book.


And here I thought that Corey was just trying to benevolently protect us all from drunken sex with Paula Abdul. Say it ain’t so, Corey.

ABC, being the upstanding journalists that they are, isn’t claiming that any of these allegations are true. They’re just giving an outlet for Corey to display his humongous bowl full of sour grapes. And perhaps throw a few in for themselves because FOX is handing them their asses on Tuesday and Wednesday nights.

But what does that mean? How is this journalism? Well, it isn’t. ABC claims that they’re doing their duty by raising important question about the integrity of America’s number one show.

Raising questions? 1) Is ABC run by Satan? 2) Does Satan even exist? 3) Does he take kickbacks from show producers to ensure prime timeslots? 4) Is Charlie Gibson a member of the Illuminati? 5) Are Tom Cruise and Katie Holms really getting serious? 6) Is Usher gay?

Those are questions. I felt it was my duty to raise them.

I remember when journalism tried to answer questions.

As far as ruining the integrity of American Idol? It’s a TV show. It stars Paula Abdul. It’s on FOX. How much damned integrity can it have?

I love American Idol. I’ll admit it. And so does the target audience for tonight’s expose. That’s why it’s on TV. But if this expose makes you change your mind about American Idol, then A) You’re incredibly naïve and B) You are taking the show way too seriously.

Just because it has the word “Idol” in the title doesn’t make it a deity. It’s not to be worshipped. It’s entertainment.

But if next season’s winner turns out to be a golden calf, I’ll start to worry.

Fun Fact: Here are the answers to the questions I posed earlier:

1) No, but their parent company is.
2) Yes. He tells me to write things…bad things.
3) He wouldn’t be a good network exec if he didn’t.
4) Hell no! Charlie Gibson is a class act and I’m sorry for even insinuating it. Damn you Satan!
5) Yeah, sure. Tom’s way into chicks! He lova da’ ladies! And if you believe that, I’ll tell you another one. Usher’s straight!
6) Um…no doy.

No comments: