Wednesday, February 11, 2004

A Rose By Any Other Name Would Still Cost Too Much For A Dozen (unless they called them fartflowers or something...then they might get reasonable)

Hey all, thank you for the comments! I have the best readers ever! No, I mean that! I, like, don't know what I would do without you guys and stuff. You're my bestest friends ever. BFF!

I know that I promised that I would post again yesterday, but I got “the call.”

That’s right. The ministry beckons. I’m off to join a convent.

No, that’s just silly. I have to go and work on this short for Awaken Films. It’s not a convent, but it is for a church. I’m doing my damnedest to try and not “Satan it up” too much for them. Funny though, I ran into someone that I went to College with at the production meeting last night. Of course, if you think about how long I went to college and if you play the odds, theoretically, I should run into someone that I went to college with about every three seconds. And I’m not including Tanya.

The job takes up alot of my Perry Mason time but it does have its perks. I mean, I’ve seen two celebs! I’ve seen Tom Arnold (at Fox) and Little Richard (at SAG)! Tom Arnold…meh, but Little Richard!! Wow. That experience made me think that “Little Richard” seems like something that someone would name their penis!

Okay, down to business.

It seems that someone took my offer for advice very seriously yesterday, so I thought that I would address her problem. Now to protect her identity, I will just call her, “Frustrated at Fox.” But, Julie had better pay close attention too.

This was her Question:

Um, how do I get Tanya to do my bidding? I'm tired of having to photocopy my own stuff.
Frusterated at Fox

Okay, Frustrated. I know how difficult it can be to make so many copies. At least I have heard that it can be very difficult. But, here is what you need to understand about the workplace (I will grant you that I am not actually in the workplace and it has been a while since I have been, so my memory is a bit rusty, but, I have watched many movies and television shows where people worked, and I think I have a good understanding of the subject).

First, Frustrated, I need to understand something: Why would you want someone to do your copying for you? The copy machine is a magical thing! It sits on hallowed ground! It’s a place to socialize, drink water from those water things that make the “glug, glug” noises and say things like “hey, did you hear what Margie said about Phil in accounting?...*whispered* Let’s just say that Little Richard isn’t getting an invitation to the Grammys this year”, and let’s not even begin to discuss the potential for sexual game playing at various randy office parties (which I’m sure that you no-doubt throw there at Fox, I’ve seen your programming).

Let’s assume that you still don’t want to do your own work, okay? Even though you get paid like, I don’t know…it’s a network job, so what…like $100,000.00 a year! I mean what do the taxpayers pay you for?!

Sorry, I got all political on you there.

Look, all that aside, I know that the buttons on the machine can be a bit…confusing. We can’t all be geniuses. So if you want to get Tanya to do all your work for you, here’s what you do.


You thought that I was going to say ‘sleep with her,’ didn’t you? That’s just like you, Frustrated.

Cook for her…every night. Every single evening of your miserable life. Even if you’re tired. Even if you’re vomiting drunk. Even if you’ve spent all day thinking of clever and painless ways to end this painful and pathetic existence. Every Miserable Day!!!!

P.S. She likes Pad Thai from Trader Joes. Do what I do and add some extra peanuts, it makes for a more festive presentation. Not to mention that I find that the peanuts make it more peanutty. Yum.

There, Frustrated, I hope it helped. Keep on truckin’.

Fun Fact: If I move the lid of my scanner up and down in synch with the radio, it looks like it’s singing.

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