I just flew back from Texas…and boy, are my arms tired.
But seriously, folks, have you ever been to West Texas? It’s a strange and alien place. Really flat. Really, really…flat. Big sky country (sorry Montana, but I saw more sky from the ground in Texas than I did on the plane ride there). Actually, I prefer a little more vertical landscape. Actually, I prefer a landscape. Come on, Texas, what gives? If it weren’t for the clouds, we’d have nothing to look at. Trees maybe? Something. If I had to sum up West Texas in one sentence (and I’m going to because I need to move on) I would say it was, “nature…unpolluted with vegetation.”
So we were in Lubbock. The reason we went was not just to take in the lack of scenery, but to attend Tanya’s sister’s wedding. It was a nice wedding, as weddings go. They had it at the Holiday Inn, which, by the way, has the dubious honor of possessing the largest indoor atrium of any hotel in all of Lubbock. At least that’s what the sign at the airport said. Why would the sign lie? It seems to me that if any hotel in Lubbock had an atrium larger, there would be holy hell raised.
But I digress; I’m not here to talk about atriums. Unless you want me to?
Didn’t think so.
Like I said, it was a nice wedding. Have you ever attended a wedding with your live-in girlfriend (or boyfriend) of five years’ family? It’s an experience. As you can guess, Tanya caught the bouquet…not necessarily because she wanted to, but because she had to do something, it was hurtling straight for her face at ninety miles per hour. (Now I don’t attend that many wedding so I’m not sure if this is always the case, but I was under the impression that the bride wasn’t supposed to be facing the women she’s throwing to?)
I picked up the garter. I mean that. It was lying at my feet and the reception wasn’t going on until I did.
I also got to play videographer. Again. I did my sister’s wedding as well. I’m working up quite a resume. If anyone needs someone to tape their wedding…don’t ask me, I don’t want to do it. Not that it’s too much trouble. I just don’t like thinking all through the ceremony and reception, “I’ll fix that in post.” One thing I learned is that nothing but sleep will fix an obnoxious drunk. (I feel the need to clarify, no one was drunk at the ceremony but there was an obnoxious drunk at the reception…you know who you are.)
However, the camera did give me a reason not to answer the question, “so, when are you two getting married?” The only question that beats that one for frequency is, “so…when are you two going to have children?” Huh…times, they are a changin’. Everyone wants to be invited to the wedding and I always tell them, “if that time comes, we’re getting married at a drive through in Vegas.” And I don’t think they understand that I’m serious because they always say, “well…I want to be there.” Maybe it sinks in when I tell them that “it’ll all depend on the size of the car.”
That last part, ironically, is the same answer I give to the other question.
But, all in all, the wedding was great. There were the typical plastic Roman columns that no self-respecting hotel wedding can do without (oh, the traditional Roman wedding). And I got to show off my decorating skills to all of the older women who were helping (no one drapes tool like me). They all thought that I reminded them of Christopher Lowell and yet they still asked when I was getting married. I have a feeling, though, that these women will be sitting around one day with some friends and find themselves saying about old Christopher… “He’s what?!”
Ah, the mysteries of life.
Oh, wait, one more thing before I go. Why is it that so many married people always say things to unmarried couples like, “…everything changes when you get married.” And it’s never all that pleasant. It’s always said like some kind of ominous threat. Like when you ask someone if the milk’s gone bad and they say, “I’m not sure…you can go ahead and try it…”
So, to all you who may find yourself saying this to a poor couple in the future:
What exactly are you trying to do!? Do you think that you’re helping!? Is that advice!? Or is it just some kind of stupid “heads up!?”
Look, pal, you’ll never scare me away from marriage! Just the idea of it is doing perfectly fine without you, thank you very much!
P.S. The same goes for kids.
Fun Fact: While in West Texas I did not go to El Paso and I did not fall in love with a Mexican girl. I did, however, get shot in the back while riding away from the cantina and died in the saddle (with my boots on).