Wednesday, February 25, 2004

"Steve, do you take Steve to be your lawfully wedded..." Whaoh, not so fast, Steves.

Hey Kids, don’t make me say “I told you so.”

I feel like I need to clear up this whole mess about “same-sex marriages.” Think of it as a public service. From me to you. That’s what this blog is about after all, right? And since I have been to about six wedding in my life (two of which were my mother’s and three of which are still going strong) I think I have the knowledge that it takes to break through the confusion.

There’s been a lot of talk about “same-sex marriages” in the last couple days. Some say that Ol’ Georgie Dub is just using his stance on this issue as a political hot button. A little something to make us all forget about the economy and the war and the revocation of certain inalienable public rights and the threat to Social Security and the deficit and unemployment and the health care crisis…

Give the guy a break. He just doesn’t want no “Queeries” mucking up our social status quo.

You’ve got to hand it to him. The guy’s just a few steps ahead of the rest of us. And isn’t that what we look for in a leader?

I know what you’re all thinking. You’re thinking, ”wait a minute! I thought that TAM was a little more understanding and compassionate!?”


But, truth be told, I am being compassionate. I am a child of the good old U.S. of A. I’ve been around the block (a couple times a day, I like to take walks). I know of that which I speak. I thinking of my people here!

Look, here’s the deal. Marriage is a sacred institution. It needs to be protected. Since the dawn of time, there have been unions between Man and Woman. Beginning in the days of Adam and Eve. Back before the dinosaurs even.

”Sure,” you’re saying. ”But the institution of marriage has been going downhill for a while now! How do explain that, huh?! What were you doing to protect marriage then?! Why do so many people get divorced, huh?!”

I say, calm down. And don’t yell at me. Here’s my theory about the slow degradation of marriage (and look out, this could rock your liberal world)…

It’s the Fag’s fault. Yep, I said it. Fags, fairies, queers, etc…I’ll stop before I get to the politically incorrect terms.

How do you expect any self-respecting heterosexual marriage to stay fast when there has always been the looming threat of same-sex marriages? Huh!? That’s why we need to clear this up as soon as possible. That’s why we need to close that little loophole in the constitution. I’m sure that our founding fathers never anticipated that fags would be using our great nation’s defining document as a pillow case…A pillow case to be bitten!

I mean, it’s bad enough that the blacks used the constitution against us before we could ratify an amendment. And now look at the state of things. White athletes everywhere are out of work! We’re even losing our grip on the world of Golf! Damn you Tiger and Vijay (he’s dark anyway)!

I’m getting off the subject. Gay’s shouldn’t be allowed to get married! It’s simple logic, people. Look, homosexuality is against a certain person’s view of God. God is a certain kind of Christian. Those Christians invented a type of marriage. Therefore, homosexual marriages are against that type of Christianity. And what is our government for, if not to uphold the values of one person’s view of Christianity?!

I thought that would shut you up.

But, in case you’re still murmuring to yourself under your breath, here’s another, more practical, concern.

If Gays can marry, then how will we know that our future spouses will not turn out to be Queers? And, furthermore, how will we know that we are not, ourselves, all Faggie and stuff?

And Mr. Kerry, don’t think that we don’t see through your “civil unions” crap. Kudos to you for not wanting Dykes and Gays to be “married.” But where does that leave people like me? People who are just waiting for “common law” to make the hard decisions for them? I swear, Mr. Kerry, if you get elected, and your “law” passes, and I wake up one morning with the urge to move to West Hollywood and wear Speedo’s, I will personally come to your house and rearrange all your furniture! And not in a tasteful, yet sassy, way.

In conclusion, giving the right to marry to just anyone will screw up our heterosexual identity. We need more than the just urge to have sex with the opposite gender to make us special and different. We’ve already lost our party planners, night clubs, and the Navy, if we lose marriage then how long will it be before we lose the other reasons that we are different than gays?

Thank you for your time.


The next thing you know just anyone will be able to have children. And, remember, sex is for procreation, not recreation.

Fun Fact: This is my longest post yet and I broke my record for most italics! Also, my copy of MST3K’s Shorts Vol. 3 is here! Yeah!

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