Wednesday, July 14, 2004

Happy “Americans Kick Ass” Day

That’s right, another Bastille Day has come. Already? Man, it seems like only yesterday that I took down the Bastille Tree from last year!

As you can see from the headline, I’ve decided to rename the French holiday a-la Capitol Hill. Sure, I’ve got nothing against the French personally. But as any good ol’ by-gum-American can tell you, there’s always a good reason to take offense with the French.

A “thank you for WWII” would be appropriate, you cowardly frogs! Stupid French!

Man, they just get on my nerves with their pretentious bistro pastries and nurturing of jazz music.

It’s one of those days again today. I’ve really have nothing interesting to say. So, in proper blog tradition, I thought that I would just complain:

Complaint #1: The Gym.

If anyone’s looking for a nice cheap gym, just come to mine. It’s here in Culver City. You don’t have to pay any dues, there’s never anyone working the counter at 6:30am. Just waltz right on in. Actually, no, don’t waltz, it may draw unwanted attention. Just walk in like you belong there. If there is someone working the desk, just walk in anyway. They get annoyed if they have to scan your membership card, so you’ll be doing them a favor.

But don’t expect much from the music or the complimentary televisions. They only play either gangsta’ rap or easy listening R&B. If you can handle that, then you’re a better person than I. (Hell, that’s not saying much, if you change your gym clothes every once in a while you’re a better person than me.)

But here’s the most annoying part about the gym. They have three TVs placed in the front of the cardio equipment at every station. The problem is that one of them never works, and the others usually play infomercials and MTV.

MTV!? On closed captions!? Not very interesting. The only good thing about it is that you get to see just how stupid song lyrics have gotten.

Case in point, Usher’s “Confessions Part 2.” Evidently, the man carries around so much guilt he needed two songs to get everything off his creepily sculptured and waxed chest.

It’s been on “Buzzworthy” for about ten years now. Buzz Worthy? It’s still “Buzz?” I wonder when the jerks at MTV will finally give Usher credit for having a fully established song?

Because not since “It’s My Party” and “My Boyfriend’s Back” has there been a more complete lyrical story line. “Part 1” was all about this chick he had on the side and how he feels just awful about lying to his girlfriend, sneaking around behind her back. In “Part 2” we learn that Usher has gotten the chick pregnant, and he just can’t handle the responsibilities of fatherhood. Oh, and he still feels guilty about cheating on his girlfriend.

Here’s an excerpt:

I'm so throwed and I don't know what to do
But to give you part 2 of my confessions

Fantastic! My computer’s trying to get me to correct the word “throwed.” Stupid computer. It’s art! Skip to…

This ain't about my career
This ain't about my life
It's about us

Suuuurreee, Ush. You just wanted to tell the uninhibited truth right? It comes from the heart, right? I could buy that – if you ended the song with, “and I’m gay.”

We’ll just have to wait for “Part 3.”

Complaint #2: Abstinence Rings.

You may have seen people wearing these things. Not likely, but maybe. It’s usually just something that Jr. High churchie kids wear.

They did a story about them on Good Morning America today. According to the “ring leader” of this movement, the rings are supposed to remind kids of the promise that they made to wait for sex until they’re married.

Because, at 14 or 15, kids aren’t old enough to have sex. But they’re sure old enough to make decisions that will affect them for the next ten years!

Stupid. I’m all for waiting, if that’s your thing, but do it because you want to, not because of a promise you made to Pastor Steve when you were 10. Don’t have sex too young, sure. But come on, at 25 it’s time to let the ring thing go.

The only practical purpose for the ring would be for use by closeted gay Christians. “Sorry buttercup, my body says ‘yes,’ but the ring says ‘no.’” “Right now, I’m married to Jesus…I mean…Not that I would ever marry a dude…oh, you know what I mean, right?” “Right?!”

Man, am I glad to get that off my chest. But both of those stories somehow came back around to gay people. Believe me, I’m not gay. Really! I’ll prove it. I’ll have sex with a woman right now! I mean it! And I’ll LIKE it!

I’m secure in my sexuality. So secure in fact, that I’ll tell you that Tanya and I (yeah, Tanya, my GIRLfriend) went to see De-Lovely last night. I recommend it. Especially if you’re a fan of Cole Porter. Who…damnit…was bisexual. Although I could have done without Alanis Morissette’s version of “Let’s Do It.”

And why does Diana Krall Sneer all the time? She always looks like she just accidentally ate a little poop or something. But she’s one hell of a singer! Go see the film, but take a date and some tissue — and leave your abstinence ring at home.

Fun Fact: Bastille Day started on July 14th 1789 with the storming of the Bastille at the beginning of the French Revolution. If it weren’t for Bastille Day, France would still be ruled by a monarchy – and the British wouldn’t have the Scarlet Pimpernel.

So celebrate Bastille Day by going to Beverly Hills and chopping off rich peoples head’s with a guillotine.

No, don’t do that. Celebrate responsibly.

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