Monday, July 26, 2004

Pimples, Proms, and the Epic Fight For the Right to Party Affiliation

Okay, it’s Monday July 26th for those of you who don’t know. Also, for those of you living under a rock, the Democratic National Convention starts today in Bean Town.

I hate to get all political on you, but it seems appropriate today. It’s inescapable. It’s been all over the morning news (well that and the continuing story about another pretty white woman who went missing, if you only watched the national news you might come to the conclusion that young pretty white women had the monopoly on mysterious disappearances. But that’s for another post…).

So it’s the DNC (abbreviated for extra coolness) and they’ve been interviewing prominent democrats all morning. Of course they had to chat with Massachusetts BMOC Ted Kennedy. Every time I see that man get interviewed I understand exactly why he’s been in the senate for a billion years. He’s a great talker. You see, I like Ted Kennedy, and it’s been a long time since the incident, but if I were interviewing him I think that I would find it hard not to just randomly interject the word “Chappaquiddick.” Just to see what he’d do. Then of course pretend like I hadn’t said it.

So, senator Kennedy, how do feel about Kerry’s prospects for Chappaquiddick?

Excuse me, what!?

I said, that John Kerry is one great chap – and quick too!

Oh, I thought you said…

What? Are you okay Mr. Senator? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.

Man that would be fun.

But they also interviewed Hillary Clinton. Another senator which I like. And she held up pretty well today under the most idiotic questioning.

I can’t remember who was doing the interview, but they pointed out that originally, she wasn’t supposed to be a speaker at the convention. She is speaking now. They were prodding her. They asked her if she felt that she’d been snubbed. "Do you think they're big ol' jerks..." "Are you hurt and mad...etc." She said no. And you know what, she meant it. Good for her. Don’t get trapped.

This is the reason that I don’t approve of home schooling. No that’s not a topic change. I think that a school environment is necessary to build the kind of people that can withstand the professional world. Politics specifically. Capitol hill has turned into some kind of huge high school. That would be fine, if they were up front about their cliquish immaturity. They’re not.

You’ve got the jocks (republicans), the nerds (democrats), the stoners (independents) and the lap dog gossips (the press corp).

The trouble always starts with the gossips. They live for this kind of stuff. I think that they should all just play it like it is:

Matt Lauer:  Hey Hillary, I heard that you weren’t invited to the homecoming kegger out at the sand dunes!

Hillary Clinton:  Yeah I was!

Matt Lauer:  Not at first!

Hillary Clinton:  So, I’m still going!

Matt Lauer:  Well Dick Cheney said that you weren’t invited because you're mean and would be a detriment to John Kerry’s chances at becoming homecoming king.

Hillary Clinton:  Why would he say that?! We used to be bestest bestest friends! He’s just jealous!

Matt Lauer:  You were never friends, but hey, I can help you. If you really want to freak them out - you should go with Ralph Nader!

Hillary Clinton:  No way! My mom would kill me!

I should develop a show!

Fun Fact: This year the DNC will feature a special “Free Speech” cage. You may have seen pictures of it. It’s a fenced in area where the protesters can protest without all that troublesome publicity.

I guess the people at the convention thought tat they would expedite the process. I mean, why wait until these ragamuffins cause a disturbance to throw them in jail?

Thanks to the cage, I’ll bet it’s going to get crowded in the old protest area this year. Usually you’ve got the protesters against the convention and the protesters against the protesters against the convention. But this year they’re going to have to contend with the protesters protesting the place in which they’re protesting.

It’s all very complicated, like politics. You’ve got the jocks (the protesters protesting the convention)…oh forget it.

Here’s my point. No, it has nothing to do with constitutional loopholes that allow our local governments to repress our inalienable rights in the name of public safety. It’s simply this:

With all of those conflicting protesters in one cage, they should take advantage of it. They’re always talking about getting younger people to vote. So why not just add some springy ropes and four turnbuckles? I’d buy a ticket to that.

I might even throw a pro-choicer a folding chair.

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