Thursday, July 08, 2004

Mike Tyson Summer Camp!

Wanna go?! Wanna go?! What could be better than cooking a hot dog over a campfire using the same stick you just beat a prostitute with?

Nothing, that’s what.

Actually, I’m not really trying to sell you on Mike Tyson Summer Camp. Sorry. It doesn’t exist…yet. But I saw a really disturbing story on the Today Show this morning. It was all about these new summer camps with features that allow parents to watch their kids on the internet while they do summer camp stuff. Row boats, sing songs, get stalked by a hockey mask-wearing psychopath, stuff like that. (By the way, has anyone else noticed that Katie Couric’s got old lady lips? Soft, supple, old lady lips…gross!)

Honestly, what the hell is the world coming to?! Why send the damn kids to summer camp if you’re just going to watch them the entire time?! What’s the freaking point!?

Now, I never went to summer camp. My “summer camp” was visiting my dad every year in West Virginia. We did all that West Virginia summer camp stuff, rowed boats, sang songs, married our relatives. Okay, not really. She wouldn’t accept my proposal. I’m joking; I hate to perpetuate a stupid stereotype. Not everyone from the WV is a hillbilly weirdo, they’re just all criminals.

So, I just tried to look up the article. Couldn’t find it – again! I hate those freaking sites! I used to surf the internet for a living and I can’t find one stupid article that aired today?! Maybe I should try searching for more than a minute. Really, though, it should be on the first freaking page!

Enough of that.

There was this lady on the show touting the importance of this new summer camp technology. Referring to her daughter at camp, I think her exact quote was, “I can wake up every morning, turn on the computer, and there she is…”

Lady, if you can’t live one month without you daughter, perhaps you should have kept her home, locked in her room and tied to a chair where she belongs. This little girl, the lady’s daughter, was about ten, I’d say; much too old for this woman to still be suffering from postpartum stress disorder.

This summer camp thing is just symptomatic of society, though. All of us are suffering from human contact overload aren’t we? With cell phones and high speed internet (those of you lucky enough to have high speed internet) we’re in a constant state of contact with our friends and family and stuff (although my mom will tell you different, I promise, mom, I’m going to call soon).

How did we ever survive without all this technology? According to cell phone companies, we didn’t. For those who are reading this and are too young to remember when no one had cell phones, I promise, we weren’t all being abducted all the time. We still managed to receive important phone calls. We survived.

Cars were cars, not just rolling phone booths. And people actually used phone booths, real people, not just drug dealers.

Now, we expect that we can just talk to anyone we please, whenever we please. I do it too, I get pissed when someone doesn’t answer their cell phone. But unless you’re a doctor or something you shouldn’t have to answer if you don’t want to.

Now, intrusive technology is invading the last bastion of isolation. Summer camps are supposed to be a place where you can go to get away from your parents, where you feel comfortable to behave like you really want to without being afraid that your mom is going to call your stupid counselor just because you wore the same shirt two days in a row!

Man, if my mom could see how many days I go without changing my shirt, I’d get one hell of a grounding.

Fun Fact: Now to the Mike Tyson portion of the blog. The poor guy’s broke. According to him, he’s living on the street. Don’t you feel bad for him? Don King stole all his money! That part’s probably true, but how can you feel bad for the guy? I can understand going into debt, but that’s only because I only make $300 a week. If I buy a Big Mac, I go into debt. But Mike, c’mon man. You’re a moron. Have you heard of a bank?

Mike, I have to confess, I giggle to myself when I think about the fact that you’ll now have to pick up hookers with just your personality.

Good luck with that.

No comments: