Friday, July 16, 2004

I Know Why the Caged Bird Hates Nicole Kidman Movies

Okay, that’s just a blatant mixed metaphor. Come on; don’t pretend you don’t know the old adage, “Nicole Kidman movies suck lately.” It’s as true today as when it was first coined…today.
We rented Cold Mountain last weekend. Didn’t get around to watching it until last night. I have to tell you, it made me wish I was watching the last season of “Friends.” And them’s strong words coming from me.
What a waste of human resources that film was! Sure, I’ll bet that there are some of you out there who disagree with me, but I’ll bet that there are more of you who haven’t seen it. Don’t waste your money. Even on a rental.
You may be asking, “what the heck does TAM have against this Oscar winning history pic?!” Well, the first thing I have against it is that it sucked. But the list goes on from there. Jude Law was fine, he didn’t really have to do much, so he was fine. Renee Zellweger was fine, not worthy of her Oscar, but fine. All in all, the acting was fine. With, of course, the grand exception of Nicole Kidman. All I have to say is; Nicci, if you’re so damned bored with making movies, why keep torturing us?!
I used to be a fan of Nicole Kidman, she used to have something to offer, not anymore. I would have rather seen Ashton Kutcher in her role. He would have at least been interesting. And probably a bit funnier.
Overall, the major reason you shouldn’t waste your time with this movie is that it’s just the same old crap with the same old “moral.” War is hell.
Really? So I shouldn’t enlist? Damnit.
This film had a really, unintentional I’m sure, bizarre counter message. War is horrific, needless, and wasteful. Okay, I can dig it, but should you have really used the American Civil War as the backdrop for this message? I mean, a few good things did come out of that war, didn’t they?
The most insulting thing about the film, beside the fact that it stars a couple non-Americans in the lead roles and that it was shot in Europe, was that it used every sordid theatrical trick in the book. You want to show how evil people can be? Have them torture a sick baby. You want to foreshadow a man’s impending death from illness? Have him cough a couple times early on in the movie. You want us to feel sorry for a preacher-turned-lecher and murderer? Give him constipation.
I’m tired of the constipation convention. Overused.
Long rant short – I hated this stupid movie and you should too.
In Other News:

Martha Stewart was sentenced today. She got 5 months in prison, 5 months of house arrest, and 2 years of supervised probation. Man, what a waste. Guilty or not, this whole thing is just plain stupid.
I think that if we’re angry with the assholes at Enron then we should go after Enron.
Don’t get me wrong, what Martha did was wrong and she should have to pay, but really, what would you do if you got an unsolicited phone call telling you that your stock was about to tank? Go broke?!
The court system isn’t just punishing Martha, they’re punishing everyone that works for her – except her trial lawyers. Lame, just lame.
Let’s just be honest about the whole thing, Martha is being punished for being a bitch, not because she committed a heinous crime. The actual criminal activity seems to simply be a loophole that allows certain people to castigate her for being unapologetically opportunistic. That’s the real crime isn’t it?
Martha, jailed for being a bitch on a technicality. Elliot Ness would have been proud.
Fun Fact: If Nicole Kidman, Sean Young, and Melanie Griffith made a movie together – uhhgh! I can’t finish that. I’m shaking with terror!
The new TAM cartoon is up!!! Huzzah!!!
Sorry about the huzzah.

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