Friday, July 15, 2005

Doesn’t Anybody Care about My Boobs?!

They’re sprightly, supple and getting bigger every day that I don’t go to the gym.

Cameron Diaz is in court fighting for her breasts’ right to privacy. I’m certain that you’ve already heard all about this. It’s all over the internet – along with pictures of Cameron Diaz’s fun bags.

See, I personally don’t give a good peacock’s posterior about Miss Diaz and her 3.3 million dollar ta-ta’s. I’ve never tried to find pictures of them on the internet. And yet, I’ve seen them. Just this morning in fact. A few minute ago while trying to do a little research on this story.

Okay, they’re fine. Perky. Not too big, not too small. They’re boobs. That’s all…just boobs.

This story was also on Good Morning America today. The correspondent was talking to Dianne Sawyer about the trial and the infamous photo shoot. She talked about how Diaz was a young actress at the time (19) and how she was trying to jump-start her acting and modeling career. She went on to explain that, soon after the photos were taken, Cameron’s star rose and she became a celebrity. Cameron’s boob’s services were no longer needed in such a conspicuous capacity…

And then she made a bizarre comment. She said “a lot of young actresses agree to pose topless early in their careers…after all, they need to eat.”

Really?! Is this true?! Or is this reporter just thinking of a movie she once saw about the horrors of Hollywood?

See, I live here in LA. I’m an actor. I’ve heard all the terrible stories. I’m sure that a great many of them are true. But I don’t know anybody that this has happened to. Granted, I don’t know anybody who has made it as far as Cameron Diaz. But I was unaware of the “show your boobs, become a movie star” angle. At least not for real. Can this ever be legitimate?

Maybe my struggling actress friends are going about this whole acting thing all wrong?

Or maybe Cameron Diaz was serendipitously rescued from a career in porn just in the nick of time?

And what about that “they need to eat” line? Isn’t that the same justification drug dealers use? Hey, if you want to have topless pictures of yourself taken, cool, go for it. Knocker yourself out. But don’t try to make it sound like some kind of necessity.

Last time I checked, there were many other ways to make money as a struggling actress that don’t involve bearing your breasts to photographers. Mammogram tester, Trade show boob model, stripper…

And how come nobody ever wants to be a wet nurse anymore?

All very rewarding careers. None of them deal with photography.

Don’t get me wrong here. I believe that the photographer in this case is way out of line. Blackmail should never be tolerated in any circumstance. I think this guy should be sent away for a couple months to think about his direction in life and whatnot.

But let’s also not pretend that Cameron Diaz enjoys a wholesome image. Hell, I saw Charlie’s Angels and Charlie’s Angels 2. Even with my very limited exposure to those “films,” I can still accurately, if I were so inclined, sketch Cameron’s Diaz’s crotch from memory.

So why worry about naked breasts when you've shaken your vagina in the collective faces of all America?

I think Cameron’s putting a little too much focus on the appetizer here, when she should be more concerned about her overcooked main course.

Fun Fact: Freud said that men are obsessed with breasts because a man’s first erotic experience is breastfeeding. I don’t remember much about being breastfed. But for some reason, breasts just aren’t my thing.

I guess when I was an infant, my mom just didn’t “do it for me.”

Sorry, mom.

Freud was a moron.

Oh, and on a far less creepy note, the latest TAM Cartoon is up! Boob-a-polooza!

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