Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Patriotism Hangover

Went down to the beach last night to watch the fireworks. I should say; to watch the fireworks backlight the heavy fog. Visibility was low on the coast. But that didn’t stop me, super patriot, from enjoying the festivities. It also helps that the display was only 20 minutes long. I like show my allegiance to the U.S. in small installments. I think I’m good for about another year or so.

But, I have to say, my devotion to this fine nation was heavily tested on the drive back. What kind of country shuts down major roadways without warning, forcing everyone to take the same route? A fascist dictatorship, that’s what kind of country. And I know that the jingoist dumbasses on the beach next to us didn’t almost blow off half of their fingers for a fascist dictatorship! They only maim themselves for freedom!

And domestic beer.

However, I still had a good time.

As you may have noticed, there is no new TAM Cartoon today. I apologize. I was celebrating our independence from England yesterday and didn’t have time to draw one. But, barring a disaster, there will be a new one on Friday.

Fun Fact: After a few years of empty threats and false starts, our friends Jared and Tosha have finally found themselves on the road leading to Vancouver, Canada.

Unfortunately, for some asinine reason, Tanya and I didn’t get to see them before they left. That’s incredibly sad. But I hope they have a good time up there in Vancouver, B.C. (Before Christ or Before the Common Era for us non-Christians).

Since I didn’t get to say goodbye to them in person and give them any advice about coping with the culture they’re about to thrust themselves into, I’ve compiled a list.

Here are a few things that Jared and Tosha will need to know about Canada before they can successfully assimilate themselves. These are things that I’ve gleaned from my many visits to our neighbors to the north:

1. They use the metric system instead of a logical system of measurement. 1 mile per hour = 1.61 kilometers per hour.

2. Ironically, you can almost use that same equation to calculate the worth of their money compared to ours. And they don’t have “one dollar bills” because, really, what’s the point.

3. There are two national languages in Canada, French and Midwestern English. Be sure to use lots of long “O” sounds. Being from the Dakotas, this won’t be a challenge for you, Tosha (just forget everything you’ve learned aboot proper pronunciation, aye).

4. They are loyal to the Queen of England for some absurd reason.

5. They drive on the wrong side of the road.

6. The toilets flush backwards.

7. There’s no Christmas in Canada, they just have Boxing Day. But it’s in the summer for them there!

8. Cigarettes cost about $10 (Canadian) and aren’t called cigarettes; they’re called “Fags.”

9. Homosexuals are called “Cigarettes,” but they cost the same.

10. The United States could totally kick Canada’s ass if we were so inclined.

There you go, Jared and Tosha, it’s the least I could do for all the help you gave to Tanya and me when we first moved to Los Angeles. We weren’t too thrilled to find out that you were “officially” leaving via Evite, but “Que sara sara.”

But since you did choose to break the news to us via Evite that you were leaving, I’ll let you know, via this blog…

that we’ll miss you.

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