Wednesday, July 20, 2005

News Potpourri

Every morning I watch the news. I like to know what’s going on in the world and the greater Los Angeles area. It’s also a way for me to grab topics for my blog when my personal life just isn’t very interesting.

Right now, my personal life just isn’t very interesting.

Jude Law Explores Baby-Minder’s Baby-Maker:

If you’ve been breathing for the last day or so, you’ll know that Jude Law has been caught shtuping the nanny. Worse, he was caught by his own kid who then, innocently, proceeded to announce it to Jude’s ex-wife and her entire family. Oops. Dumb, dumb, dumb Jude Law. He’s since issued a statement saying that he’s embarrassed. Really? No crap? Embarrassed to be caught cheating?! Wow.

I’m issuing my own groundbreaking statement right now.

“I feel better after I poop.”

Now you know.

But back to Jude. Now internet geeks and unimaginative “journalists” everywhere are positing a burning question.

“Why, if Jude’s fiancée is so damned hot, would he bother to screw the Plain-Jane nanny?!”

Well, the answer is simple. Jude’s a dumbass and his fiancée is probably a bitch.

Why Can’t All Autistic Kids be More Like Rain Man?

Although, if they were, casinos everywhere would be on the look out for emotionally detached children.

But there are some parents who feel that their kids are autistic because of a chemical being used in children’s vaccinations. The chemical is called Thiomerisol. It’s a mercury-based compound used as a preservative.

There’s been a sharp rise in the rate of autism in the last ten years, and even though the CDC insists that it has nothing to do with thiomerisol, the parents are convinced. In fact, they’re marching on Washington soon to do something about it. Get money or something. The chemical has already been taken out of vaccines as a precaution. It’s only now used in the Flu shot.

But these parents are mad as hell and they’re not going to take it anymore. Nothing anyone can say will alleviate their suspicions that the government is involved in one hell of a cover-up. A conspiracy to turn kids autistic or something.

But here’s my thing. Thiomerisol has been used in vaccines since the late 20s. It was in my vaccines and the vaccines that my parents and grandparents got. It’s only been in the last ten years that the number of autistic children in the country has quadrupled.

Could it be possible that there is another cause for this other than vaccinations? How did the rest of us thiomerisol-receivers escape the perilous plight of autism?

Get away from me!!

Colin Farrell is a Dingleberry:

Has a dingleberry? Let’s hope not because soon we’ll all be able to check for ourselves.

Back in the day, Colin made a sex tape with his then girlfriend and former Playmate, Nicole Narain, under the “oral” agreement that the tape would remain private.

Well, now old Nicole is hankerin’ for a hunk of sleeze. She wants to sell the tape and make a quick profit. And Colin is pissed (and not in his usual Irish way). Colin is going to court to put a stop to the tape’s release.

But he probably won’t win.

In the past, others have tried to keep their private tapes private to no avail. It seems that there is some kind of slippery law involved here. Personally, I don’t get it. I don’t understand why Colin Farrell can’t stop his opportunistic bitch of an ex- from distributing something which obviously wasn’t meant for that purpose.

A lawyer on the news this morning said that the second you make a “personal video, you wave your right to privacy.”


Maybe it’s the word “personal” that’s throwing me here? Look, lawyer lady, I watch COPS. There are always some jerk-asses in the background with their heads all fuzzed out. Cops invade a meth lab…There’s a whole living room full of fuzzy-heads.

Now I know it’s not because they’re just the most insanely ugly tweakers on the planet. It’s because they didn’t sign a release form. They didn’t want to be on COPS. They don’t want to…they don’t have to.

Why does Colin now have to show his Irish punching bag to the whole wide world if he doesn’t want to. If the tweakers don’t, why should Colin Farrell?

Have you seen Colin Farrell give an interview? They’re practically the same thing.

Hey You Kids! Get Off My Steaming Hot Lawn. Llllllaaaaawwwnnnn…Hotttt…Yabba, Yabba…Ooohhh, I caannn’t feel my leffffttt ssside…:


Sweating With the Oldies:

Heat stroke and the elderly. It’s no laughing matter. Especially when there’s a heat wave like the one I find myself in the middle of at the moment. And as my thirty second birthday approaches I’m ever more concerned about it.

Already, the intense heat in the western half of the US has claimed a couple dozen lives. Most of those deaths are because of a combination of heat, dehydration and extreme oldness.

Some cities are even sending volunteers door-to-door to check on their older neighbors. Make sure they're feeling alright. Make sure that their air-conditioner is running full blast, like it usually is the entire rest of the year…even in the winter.

But here’s what I don’t understand. If the elderly are so incredibly sensitive to heat, why the hell do they congregate in the hottest places on earth?! Hell, if they could, half of them would retire on the freaking sun.

If watering your lawn in 120º temperatures can lead to your demise, why move to Tampa or Palm Springs or Arizona?

My theory: Old people have a death wish. It’s cool. Sometimes I get sick of young people too. Whippersnappers.

Fun Fact: Soylent Green is made out of people. It’s people!

Which is strange because it sounds like it should be made out of Soy.

Huh. Interesting. See what a little marketing strategy can do?

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