Tuesday, July 19, 2005

I’m Too Sexy for my Cell

Former Florida middle school teacher, Debra Lafave, is going to trial. You know who she is. She’s the woman that had sex with her 14 year-old student several times. One time in the back of a car while someone else drove.

She opted not to take a plea agreement, instead deciding that she would rather try her luck in court with an insanity plea.

A move which almost proves that she’s insane.

But I’m not really here to talk about the case per se. I’m more interested in her argument for not going to jail.

She’s too hot.

She’ll be eaten alive! What kind of world do we live in when the beautiful people have to go to jail?!

I say go for it, Debra Lafave! You make that argument! And believe me when I say that it’s my sincerest hope that it works.

No, truly. I really hope that the judge buys it. It opens the door for all kinds of legislation that would greatly benefit lazy people like myself. For far too long lazy people have sat back while less-qualified, yet upwardly mobile people have found success.

You may not see the connection. Let me explain. Debra doesn’t want to go to jail, essentially, because it will be too hard for her. She won’t be able to just sit and reflect in her 9X12 cell. Instead, she’ll constantly have to protect her back (and front) from savage “jailesbians.” As her attorney put it, it would be like “throwing raw meat to lions.”

Somebody’s watched one too many Roger Corman prison sexploitation movies.

I’m not saying that women’s prison isn’t just one big schlocky 70s Pam Grier orgy. I don’t really know. But it’s not my point either.

My point is that if the judge buys the attorney’s argument, then lazy people everywhere will be free from reproach.

Don’t feel like doing your homework? Watched a Michael Bay film festival (uuuggghhh) instead of finishing that account? Let the mayonnaise expire, giving your entire clientele at McDonald’s food poisoning because it was just too much trouble to throw it away?

Just refer to The State v Lafave!

Now we have a champion! Go Lafave! You get crazy with your insanely creepy self!

I had some more things to say here but…please refer to the future ruling in the State of Florida v Debra Lafave.

Fun Fact: Humphrey Bogart was one hell of a great star. If you’re a Costco member, I sincerely suggest that you pick up Warner Brother’s latest compilation of classic Bogey films. It’s fantastic. No frills, but great for $40. And they’re not lame classics either, they’re actually films that any movie lover would be proud to own.

Key Largo
The Big Sleep
The Maltese Falcon

All of those movies pretty much kick ass. For $10 a piece, you cant beat it.

Oh, and the latest TAM Cartoon is up! Here’s looking at you, kid!

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