I’m a Leo

It’s true. I’m not ashamed of it. However, I’m not sure what the astrological sign is of the crazy Russian woman who is suing NASA for its recent foray into comet punching.

If I had to guess, I’d say she’s some kind of air sign.

But, believe it or not, I don’t put a lot of stock in astrology. One time I had this girl in college tell me that she didn’t like me because I am a Leo. I don’t know exactly what it was that she was trying to accomplish with a statement like that. I wasn’t coming on to her. I wasn’t doing anything to her. She just kind of blurted it out in front of everybody at play rehearsal (oh the shame). I found it very perplexing. She was really into astrology. And that’s cool. I can dig it. If you want to believe that Uranus has some kind of effect on your anus, who am I to tell you that you’re a crazy bitch?

Which, incidentally, she was.

But what the hell was I supposed to do about it? How can I stop being a Leo? How can I please that crazy bitch and become something more manageable for her? I’m pretty sure that even if I were to embrace a new religion, my rebirth wouldn’t result in a new zodiac sign. And even if it did, with my luck, I would find God in late July/early August.

Maybe I was fated to be a Leo?

But what is fate really? Can you change it? And if you could, how the hell would you know? Isn’t fate self-fulfilling?

See that? I’m bringing the topic back around to that crazy Russian lady who’s suing NASA.

She claims that NASA’s “Deep Impact” mission has disrupted the balance of the universe. She say’s that now the comet has been changed. Since the deep impact probe blew a football sized hole in the crust of the comet, her horoscope has been irreversibly distorted. Now a part of her history has been erased. And her future is uncertain.

Ostensibly, her fate has been altered.

Now she’s trying to survive severe “moral suffering.” And the only thing that can make things right again is $300 million. Of course.

This is where I come in. I’m totally ready to counter sue. I feel that a $300 million lawsuit will significantly alter my fate. If NASA is forced to pay this crazy Russian lady all that money, it might take cash away from important future missions. And I believe that I’m fated to one day live on the moon.

Oh, life on the moon would be sweet. There’s lots of open space, you can really see the stars from up there and low gravity means that I’ll finally get down to my goal weight of 30 pounds (without doing a damned thing!). But what’s more important, and this is hard to explain, on the moon, I’m a Pisces.

Finally, maybe I’ll be able to gain acceptance from that Leo-hating chick from college.

My life’s dream fulfilled. Don’t screw it up for me, crazy Russian lady.


Fun Fact: According to this astrology website I looked at just now, Leos are generous and warmhearted, creative and enthusiastic, broad-minded and expansive, faithful and loving.

Um…close.

That all sounds really great, huh? Although I’m not too thrilled about “expansive.” I’ve been trying to lose some more weight. But my rehearsal schedule has made it difficult to get to the gym these past two weeks.

But all-in-all, not bad. However, just when I was feeling really great about myself they throw in the bad stuff.

Pompous and patronizing, bossy and interfering, dogmatic and intolerant.

Really now, astrology web site! Look, I appreciate you’re little “public service.” Oh, no, I mean, it’s really “important” and all, but you shouldn’t say bad things about people. Stop it! I feel like coming over there and changing your web site myself! God hates you! People like you are a plague on humanity. I refuse to deal with your type…

...Oh.