Thursday, July 07, 2005

Officer Friendly’s Little Boy’s Got a Mohawk and he Knows Just Where We’re Coming From

We could be happy underground. If only the terrorists weren’t screwing everything up.

London, still reeling from being picked for the 2012 Olympics, is trying to pick up the pieces after a tragic terrorist attack. Four separate bombs exploded in the heart of the city this morning. Three in the Underground and one on a double-decker bus. Last I heard, at least 33 people were killed. I’m sure that the death toll will climb once the smoke clears.

The hearts of Americans everywhere went out to the Brits, but soon turned to more pressing matters.

Like, how should we panic.

First, we put out an alert on all rail travel. Since the attacks on London were focused on the mass transit system, it’s pretty clear that this particular terrorist organization specializes in earth-based rapid transportation.

The skies seem to be “safe” for the time being.

My favorite thing that was said this morning was; “There has been no intelligence gathered about a planned attack on the city of Los Angeles.”

Man, that’s great! I feel good about that. Now I can just sit back and feel bad for London while I nonchalantly, and in complete safety, munch on a bowl of frosted mini-wheats.

But wait, there’s more:

“However, the British intelligence community had no foreknowledge about todays horrific attack either.”

…oh. Well, that doesn’t help at all.

Actually, what does help to ease my mind is that I have absolutely no worry of being the target of a terrorist attack. Maybe it’s my typical male invincibility complex. Or maybe it’s because by killing me, the terrorists would have accomplished absolutely nothing.

I laugh at the stupid-ass terrorist that kills me. Ha, ha, Dumb jerk. By killing me you’d make me way more important in death than I ever was in life. I would be like a martyr to my own ego. Instead of being just TAM, mediocre blogger and hack screenwriter, I would become TAM, American hero and tragic victim of a terrorist attack who would have possibly been the nation’s next great filmmaker, which, instead of writing, chose to taunt unseen terrorists, inviting his own grisly demise…

Wait…that’s not so great either.

Don’t kill me, terrorists. My mom and girlfriend would be, like, totally pissed at you. In fact, while you’re not killing me, why not go ahead and stop killing people altogether!

Hey, now that’s an idea!

Fun Fact: In case you were wondering, the title of today’s post comes from a song by Ben Folds Five entitled “Underground.” It’s not about Al Qaeda, but rather a different sort of terrorist. The type that assaults innocent people with an empty sense of uniform “individuality.”

You know who you are. Had anything pierced lately?

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