Thursday, August 18, 2005

Advice for Cindy

*Politics Alert: Get your funny elsewhere*

Cindy Sheehan, grieving mother, anti-war activist, political lightning rod, humanitarian, crackpot.

Yes, Cindy is a little bit of all those things. Including crackpot. But let me explain myself. See, I think that the war in Iraq has been misguided. It’s been ineptly and na├»vely waged. And I think that George Bush is to blame.

Why is Cindy Sheehan a crackpot? Because she is spending her time trying to get an answer from our president to the question; “what is the noble cause that my son died for?”

See, she already knows the answer. In fact she’ll accept no other answer than “because I’m a dickhead.” It’s a rhetorical question. And yet she actually expects that she is going to get another meeting with George Bush.

Yeah sure, Cindy. We all know the lengths that George has gone to in order to legitimize the war in Iraq. And he’s going to undo all that just for you?

I understand that she’s just trying to point out the absurdity of the war. And she was doing a good job. That is until she decided that she was going to take on the entire world.

She started in on Israel. That’s a no-no. Since World War II, the Jews have been granted an exclusive “do not judge” clause from the world. And until that clause expires, you have to be very careful about leveling criticism at them, or their relationship to the United States and the Palestinians.

Sure, Israel’s a mess. The Gaza Strip and all that. But let’s not be too hard on Israel. After all, it takes two to tango and the Palestinians have been acting like a bunch of colicky babies too.

Personally, I’m about two seconds from demanding that we go in there, bomb the hell out of the place and hand the entire “holy land” over to the Buddhists. Maybe they can govern it like adults?

When I was a kid, if I couldn’t share, my mom would take the toys away and nobody got to play with them.

It’s just some crappy land people! I don’t care what your Holy Books tell you. I don’t care what happened there. From the looks of things now, I’d say that the Holy Land is cursed. Tainted anyway. But that’s not the way people see things, I’m afraid. The more people that died for it, the more sacred it becomes. “We can’t give this up now! Too many great people have lost their lives trying to defend it!”

Fighting the fight because of the fight. Makes perfect sense to me.

But back to Cindy. She’s being blasted for being an anti-Semite. Not a hard thing to be accused of actually. But she’s going around now blaming the war in Iraq partially on America’s ties with Israel.

Oh, Cindy. Just shut up for a second. Stay on point here. That’s where your strength lies. You had a good thing going. People are supporting you. They’re starting to listen to you. Please try to make sense. Don’t bite off too much. Your son died tragically, focus on that.

Unfortunately, Cindy, you have to be the “straight man” here, so to speak. Just be there. Let everyone else add the crazy. That’s what we do best. We all know that the president is a moron. It becomes more obvious every day.

The more you open your mouth to add another sound bite, the more the focus is changed from your deceased son and the stupid war in Iraq to you. This isn’t about you, is it? If it is, get some counseling and let us all focus on ending this conflict in the Middle East.

If it’s not about you then stand up, stay on point, and keep fighting the good fight.

No more crazy, huh?

Fun Fact: In the 10th grade I swallowed a Bic pen cap during a test. It made me fail the test because I was terrified that it would somehow kill me from the inside out.

To this day, I still sometimes wonder if that pen cap is floating around inside me, waiting to puncture my spleen.

So, if you don’t like the post today…blame it on the cap.

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