Monday, August 08, 2005

Daylight or Someone’s Sorry Ass?

What exactly are we saving here? Bush is poised to sign his new energy bill. A grand plan that will free the United States from the death grip of the world’s oil companies. The president has been working tirelessly to find a way to quench the nation’s thirst for oil with alternative and renewable fuel sources.

He used to work tirelessly to find a way to quench the nation’s thirst for oil with…well…oil.

His oil.

But reality seems to have finally sunk in with the old prezzie. Either that or he’s begun to invest his oil fortune in nuclear plants.

My vote is on the nuclear plants.

But thank god the government is there to lend its unbiased, unaffected help in this matter. It’s nice that the benevolent people in Washington DC have finally come in to clean up this country’s energy mess.

But they’ve tried it before. They gave car companies tax breaks in order that there would be no shortage of gas-guzzling SUVs on the roads. They’ve given oil companies tax breaks so that there would be no shortage of gasoline for those SUVs. They’ve aligned themselves with dubiously friendly countries to get a price break on barrels of oil. They’ve sought to open up the wildlife preserves in order to get more oil. They’ve started wars…

Oddly, none of those tactics seemed to work. None of those things ever put oil back into the ground.

And now there’s a problem. Unless the US can become comfortable licking the butt of every jerk-ass who happens to own land with Texas tea under it, then we’ll have to find a better way for the nation’s morons to keep their gigantic, road-clogging, maddening SUVs on the jammed freeways.

But us Americans won’t stand for that kind of behavior. If it ever came to that, I suppose that we could just go and kill everyone who owned oil and take it. That we can do.

But even if we did, eventually we’d run out of people to kill and oil. And then where would we be? Stuck in carpools with the other geriatrics that were too old to die in the great “oil wars” that’s where.

So now we have the energy bill, which of course includes a lot of tax breaks. I won’t begrudge the tax breaks. There’s no better way to get people onboard a cause.

“This new bill will save the lives of my family for generations to come?! It will spread peace and end all wars?! It will bring Jesus Christ back to earth with Buddha, Muhammad and all those other cats, heal the sick, cure diseases, end poverty, stop suffering, pain, misery and get up every morning and make me a balanced breakfast?! Sounds fantastic…!”

“…But what kind of tax breaks do I get?”

So we need the tax breaks. But the one thing I can’t stand about the new bill is that they’re going to lengthen daylight saving time!

Leave daylight saving time alone! What has it done to you?! Some of us like to have an evening every once in a while! We like it when it gets dark. Hell, if it didn’t get dark around 5:00 here in southern California during November we wouldn’t even be able to tell that it was winter!

We need the long nights of winter here. It’s not just a time of day to us…it’s an entire freaking season!

But no. In 2007 we’ll be screwed. Not as bad as I had anticipated. But summer will essentially begin three weeks early and end one week late. After Halloween.

What’s Halloween without the darkness?! I ask you?! What about the trick-or-treaters?! Will they be forever cursed to walk around town dressed like idiots in the daytime?!


I hate George Bush.

Fun Fact: Don't forget; whenever George Bush signs an absurd bill, be sure to check the batteries in your smoke detector.

We could cut the rate of smoke detector failures in half!

Unfortunately, I predict that the constant checking would cause a sharp increase in “falling-off-rickety chair” injuries.

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