Tuesday, August 23, 2005

What the Hell is Wrong with You People?!

As you probably have already guessed, I’m a virgin.

No, I’m not really. Really, I’m not. But there are people out there who are. Many people in fact.

Sure, most of them are under the age of 15, but there are some adults. Adult virgins. A phenomenon that has been brought to the fore by the release of the new Steve Carell flick The 40-Year-Old Virgin.

But it’s no laughing matter. It’s a lifestyle choice, don’t you know. Like being gay. Or being a woman. But without the unpleasant side-effects.

Even the mainstream media is jumping on the virgins. Good Morning America (I think it was them) ran a story just this morning on this very topic. They were determined to discover why some adults have chosen to live their lives like priests (good priests).

They brought in an expert. A psychiatrist, not a virgin. And she went into her schpeil about how certain people claim to have convictions about their virginity. They say that they don’t want to have sex until their married etc...

Good for you Dr. Lady. It’s society’s problem. There’s noting wrong with being a virgin, right? I mean some people just don’t want to have sex, right? Finally, an expert who’s willing to blow the lid off the “virginity = lame-ass loser” myth.

Virgins of the world can rejoice. And people like me (who is not a virgin) can get some much-needed insight into the mind of an adult virgin. Thank god, finally.

The Dr. pointed out that adult virgins (and non-virgins who have steered down the road of abstinence) aren’t lame-ass losers.

But they might have some serious issues to confront.

Yup, it turns out that in this doctor’s professional opinion, adult virgins have behavioral shortcomings that keep them from giving in to their animal lust.

What a nice story, ABC. I’m sure that your sexually active viewers will be happy to know that they’re perfectly healthy.

And way cooler than those virgins. Let’s laugh at them. What a bunch of mental defectives. Get laid already!

Fun Fact: This has very little to do with being a virgin, but it’s a fact:

Private George Jorgenson was the first person to receive a sex change. He felt that he was a man trapped in a woman’s body (incidentally, I felt the same way when I was a fetus).

George-Jorge went under the knife in 1952. A Danish doctor performed the sex change operation…

Dr. Christian Hamburger.

Which pretty much ruled out any chance of having the surgical procedure named after him. Sure, men who want a sex change aren’t too thrilled about their genitals, but I’d wager that there isn’t a man alive who’s willing to subject his penis to a procedure called “the Hamburger.”

Oh, and the latest TAM Cartoon is up! Sesameseedbun-a-licious!

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