The Museum of Earth History has opened in Eureka Springs, Arkansas and has caused quite a stir. If you don’t know what it is, it’s a natural history (dinosaurs and junk) museum designed to explain the origins of the earth through a mix of science and religion.
The exhibits are broken down in order of the book of Genesis with different species and events correlating to the six days that it took for God to create everything.
How nice, huh? Finally, someone’s come along and made an intelligent argument for creationism as it pertains to evolutionary science.
Or at least they sure have made it look like it. They’ve got really cool dinosaur replicas and plaques and everything! Oh, and the bible. The absolute truth after all. The everything. Which sort of begs the question “so why the dinosaur replicas and the plaques and junk?”
Well, because it’s cool and kids like dinosaurs. It only makes sense that Christian kids should like Christian dinosaurs.
And now that there is a scientific and completely unbiased and reasonable marriage of creationism and…uh…creation…we can finally start teaching the argument for creationism in our schools.
Don’t scoff; I could really use a job. Man would it be sweet to teach the creationism class at the local high school. The poor sucker that has to teach evolution is screwed.
Science Teacher: Where did dinosaurs come from? Well, billions of years ago on a mass of matter hurtling through space (a rock we now call Earth), in the lifeless muck and mire there began to appear tiny one-celled organisms. Over a great deal of time, through mutation, adaptation and need they evolved into two-celled organisms. And, long story short, then we got dinosaurs!
Student: But wait! What happened between two-celled organisms and dinosaurs?!
Science Teacher: A lot of stuff, okay Billy? Look, this is 7th grade science class. We haven’t got forever on this stuff. I’ve got to cover billions of years of history in just ten weeks! It’s all very complicated and scientific. If we don’t get to dinosaurs today, there’s no hope of ever getting to the evolution of mankind. And wouldn’t you like to know where Britney Spears came from?
Student: Oh boy, would I!
But that creationism job would be a plum. Not religion. Not spiritualism. Matter of fact, like the Arkansas museum. Just the God’s truth.
Creationism Teacher: Okay, class. God created the world in six days. I’ve got ten weeks to cover it all. We could start with some questions, or we could stare into space and reflect on the awesome engineering skills of God, or we could just play some basketball or something.
Student: Hey, Teach! Where did dinosaurs come from?
Creationism Teacher: God.
Student: And humans?
Creationism Teacher: God.
Student: And the earth and everything?
Creationism Teacher: God.
Student: And Britney Spears?
Creationism Teacher: Go--. Ha, ha. Oh, nice try Billy, you almost got me there! Just for that, I’m giving a pop quiz. Now before you get all excited, I must warn you that I’ve thrown in a few trick questions. I won’t say which, but I will say that some of the answers could be…Jesus.
I want to be that teacher.
But seriously, why is there a museum that combines natural history and the bible? Because people want it, that’s why. It’s the first “science museum” that I’ve ever heard of that was created solely for giving the attendees the answers they were looking for. Wagging the fossilized dog.
How can that be science? Well, it’s not science. It’s religion in the guise of science. And everyone knows it…except for the poor kids that go there to learn something about the origins of life in a scientific way.
Faith is not science. It’s faith. By definition, it’s the complete lack of science.
And science isn’t religion.
Why can’t people find an intelligent way to have faith and science? They are not the death of each other. Because both are confounding. And people don’t like to have questions. They like to have answers.
I don’t want to waste anymore time of this museum. It’s aggravating. But this story has opened my eyes to a shocking (to me anyway) statistic.
45% of the population believes that God created the Earth. And that he did it around 10,000 years ago.
Really? So cartoons had it right after all, putting humans and dinosaurs together in often comical situations?
Okay, look, I can dig the fact that Christians believe that God created the Earth and everything on it. But 10,000 years ago?! Come on. Let’s not get ridiculous.
Oh, and that whole “to God, a day is as a thousand years” argument is stupid. Let’s not start trying to rationalize “God Time.” Does God Time figure into the 10,000 years (meaning that he finished around 4,000 years ago)? Or is the earth actually 16,000 years old?
And what about that 7th day? When he was resting. Did time stand still? Help me out here!
I suppose I need to get my butt to Arkansas and get some answers quick!
Fun Fact: I’ve had that Rubber band Man song from the OfficeMax commercials in my head all morning. So, in honor of the song, here are the lyrics. Incidentally, the song was recorded by The Spinners in the 70s. It can also be heard on the “That 70s Show” soundtrack.
Warning: There are a crap-load of lyrics in this song!
Hand me down my walkin' cane
Hand me down my hat
Hurry now and don't be late
'Cause we ain't got time to chat
You and me we're goin' out
To catch the latest sound
Guranteed to blow your mind
So high you won't come down
Hey, y'all prepare yourself
For the Rubberband man
You never heard a sound
Like the rubberband man
You're bound to lose control
When the Rubberband starts to jam
Oh, Lord, this dude is outta sight
Everything he does
Seems to come out right
Once I went to hear them play
At a club outside of town
I was so surprised, I was hypnotized
By the sound these cats put down
When I saw this short fat guy
Stretch a band between his toes
Hey, I laughed so hard
Cause the band got down
When he finally reached his nose
Hey, y'all prepare yourself
For the Rubberband man
You never heard a sound
Like the rubberband man
You're bound to lose control
When the Rubberband starts to jam
Got that rubberband
Up on his toes
And then he wriggled it up
All around his nose
(Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo)
Guaranteed to blow your mind
(Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo)
Playin' all that music, yet keepin' time
(Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo)
Where in the world did he learn that, oh, Lord, huh
(Doo doo doo doo doo)
Lord, help him get away
Hey, y'all prepare yourself
For the Rubberband man
You never heard a sound
Like the rubberband man
You're bound to lose control
When the Rubberband starts to jam
Doo doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo doo doo
Rubberband man, Rubberband man
How much of this stuff do he think we can stand
So much rhythm, grace and debonair from one man, Lord
And then he had nerve to wiggle his left toe
To his knee, got the feelin' in his head, y'all
Ah, come on, baby
Hey, y'all prepare yourself
For the Rubberband man
You never heard a sound
Like the rubberband man
(He's a Rubberband Man and he likes to Jam)
You're bound to lose control
When the Rubberband starts to jam
Rubberband man starts to jam
Movin' up and down across the land
Got people all in his ways
Everything about him seems out of place
Just a movin', just a movin'
Just a move-move-movin'
Just a Rubberband, Rubberband man
Just a movin', just a movin'
Just a move-move-movin'
Just a Rubberband
Rubberband man
Get down
Oh, get down lover
Ah-ha!
Oh, I forgot to mention, there will be no TAM Carton for today. Sorry. I had some stuff to get done...
Who am I kidding, I was lazy.
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