Nuts to You!

Yesterday, after finishing the latest TAM Cartoon, I was left with a couple options for what to do with the rest of my day. See, contrary to popular belief, I actually do get some things done here during the day. Being unemployed doesn’t mean that I’m not working on stuff.

I could either polish the short film script that I’m planning on directing soon or I could finish the feature-length screenplay that I’ve been fussing over for the last few months. But see, I’m still waiting for some notes on the short and the feature is already 103 pages long and I still have to finish the second half of the third act.

Since that was way too much work for me yesterday, I decided to sit down with the remnants of a can of Planters mixed nuts (with less than 50% peanuts) and watch our brand-spanking-new Simpsons Season Six DVDs.

There was a problem.

Not with the Simpsons DVD set, it’s fantastic (even with its conspicuous lack of subtitles). No, my problem was with my nuts.

Oh, grow up.

I purchased an ample can of Planters Mixed Nuts (with less than 50% peanuts) a few weeks ago. They were to make my birthday party all the more festive. People like mixed nuts. Mixed nuts and M&Ms.

We put them out and our fantastic guests munched on them absently, like good guests do with mixed nuts. We poured them into little cups for the party and when the party was over, poured the remaining nuts back into the can to be enjoyed later (unsanitary?).

There weren’t many back in the can after the evening was through. So I could easily polish them off yesterday in a single Simpsons episode.

But I learned something about my friends yesterday as I spilled the remaining nuts onto a paper towel so that I could separate them into types and eat them in a very specific order (OCD? No! I just like uniformity of taste damnit! Do I have OCD just because I like to separate my mixed nuts by type…and M&Ms by color?! No! I’m not compelled to do it, I just like to. And I don’t have to recite the Pledge of Allegiance every time I open a kitchen cupboard either. I just find it comforting).

But enough about me. Back to my friends. I learned something about them. Something horrifying.

They’re selective bastards. Nut-pickers. They weren’t absently munching on the nuts after all! They were far more sinister about it.

Yesterday I was left with about 4 cashews, 1 pecan, 5 almonds, no Brazil nuts, 2 hazelnuts (fine by me) and about 2 million peanuts!

Unacceptable! Way more than 50% peanuts! The entire mix was off! My friends made complete liars out of Mr. Peanut. Not cool.

A complete lack of mixed nut eating etiquette!

See, here’s how things are supposed to work; a protocol lesson for all of you:

Nobody likes their mixed nuts to contain too many peanuts. The good people at Planters know this. That’s why they print “with less than 50% peanuts” conspicuously on the label.

So, don’t be selfish. Cashews are expensive. That’s why cheap jerk-asses like myself buy the mixed nuts. I want to provide cashews, but don’t want to look like I can’t afford an entire can of them. So, in the interest of seeming like I’m giving some kind of variety, I buy the mixed nuts…and save a couple bucks.

But here’s where you come in.

You can’t just fish around for the expensive nuts, leaving everyone else to suffer with peanuts. When there’s a bowl of mixed nut, you have to work for the good ones.

Think of it like paying a toll. For every pecan or cashew you eat, take at least 5 peanuts. It evens out the mix. It keeps it consistent. And it spares the next guy hours of picking through peanuts just to find one lousy pecan.

So, the next time you find yourself at a party, take pity on the mixed-nut-puter-outter. He or she is poor. If he or she were made of pecans you would have a bowl of pecans sitting in front of you. But you don’t. You’ve got mixed nuts. So smile like you mean it and choke down some peanuts.

Don’t cheat either. Your host will eventually find out.

And don’t forget to say the Pledge of Allegiance the next time you reach for a can of soup.


Fun Fact: Speaking of friends at my birthday party (which was a lot of fun by the way as at the time I was blissfully unaware of the nut situation), I have a new blog to link to. The Essence of Z. Check it out. She’s a great chick. And may have an affinity for cashews.

Oh, yeah, and I’ve mentioned already, the latest TAM Cartoon is up! Eventsrelatingtoreal-lifesituatoinsarepurelycoincidentaltastic!