Monday, September 13, 2004

Satanic Useless Vice

No, not a new show about inept underworld sex cops from ‘Buffy’ creator Joss Whedon. I’m talking about SUVs. They are the work of the devil.

I’m only talking about it because they’ve been doing stories on the news all morning about the most recent study from the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety. You’ve probably already heard about this. Their study concludes that SUVs cause craploads of monetary damage to innocent cars even in the most seemingly innocuous collisions.

Is this really a surprise? SUV are freaking huge these days. It’s like releasing a study about the damage inflicted on a Mini Cooper by an 18-wheeler.

Sure, I’m exaggerating. But, come on, at least semi trucks serve a purpose. No one drives a tractor-trailer around town because they might need to haul eight tons of cargo someday. Like you never know when you’re going to be in charge of the pee-wee soccer carpool and have to haul 10,000 wristwatches to the port of Los Angeles.

It’s ridiculous. How many times have you ever passed an SUV filled with people? At least filled with people who didn’t open fire with once-banned assault rifles as they drove by?

And it’s only getting worse. Cadillac is making a bigger Escalade for 2005. Thank God! I was starting to think that my days of pulling into driveways on residential streets in order to let some huge-ass pitch-black SUV roar by were numbered.

Introducing the spanking new 2005 Cadillac Escalade. A fine American automobile built by the best manufacturing teams American car corporations are willing to pay for. Assembled in Mexico, this lumbering behemoth features a 364” 6.0 liter V8, determined to give you assloads of power if you should ever choose to use it. Whether on a rugged city street or a not-so-rugged city street, the Escalade’s 20-inch wheels can handle even the priciest of spinning rims. Weighing in at 7,200 lbs and featuring, through the over-tinting of windows, guiltless flexible occupancy, the Cadillac Escalade is perfect for anyone from rich elitists (limit one per vehicle) to upwardly mobile street gangsta’s (10). Whether you be thuggin’ or just taking up two parking spaces at the country club, the 2005 Cadillac Escalade is the sport utility to fit even the most narcissistic lifestyle.

I hate SUVs. Now it’s official, not only can I not see around any of them in my little, fuel-efficient car, but now I can look forward to paying out the ass on insurance premiums because of them. Thanks SUVs. Thanks for being huge pains in my courteous sphincter.

And don’t get me started on freaking “Hummers.” I hate the name almost as much as I hate the stupid vehicle. You know, I used to want one of these…when I was a kid and dreamed of living like a G.I. Joe! I grew out of it. What wrong with these people?! Cobra isn’t real! Arnold, Regis, I’m talking to you. Jerks. It’s not about penis size, I hate that cliché too. After all – now I can’t vouch for Rege – but I’m sure that Arnold gave up long ago trying to compensate for his steroid-shriveled little midget.

I said not to get me started.

Fun Fact: As you may be able to tell, I’m a little…riled this morning. So I’ve decided to start a new feature here at The Anthropomorphic Male:

“You may be annoying if…”

Which is a little annoying in itself. But not as annoying as people who think they’re being clever every time they point out irony.

So now we know that I’m annoying, let’s find out about you.

“You may be annoying if…”

…on the street or at the gym, you feel the need to talk to your buddies the second you lay eyes on them…even if they’re 200 yards away!

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