Thursday, September 16, 2004

Visions of the Future!

The year is 5765. Hoards of physically altered mutants roam the desolate countryside. Their faces pulled back as if they have just spent the last two years in a pine box six feet below the ground. Their lips greased and fatted with rotting flesh. Their expressionless eyes tell the horrible story. A story of despair. A story of emptiness. And yet they walk. They walk. In unison like so many tin soldiers. Habitually moving from place to place. No goal. No joy in the journey. Just a deep hunger. A hunger to devour everything they lay their dead eyes on.

But enough about Beverly Hills. Happy Rosh Hashanah people. Mazl-tov!

If you’re Jewish, have a good holiday. If you’re not, have a good time making fun of their crazy timekeeping. 5765?

Look at my ignorance everyone! I’m one dumb goyim! I could kvell when I think about my mishigas! I could! I’m not ashamed of it! I’m such a schmendrick!

Look, I can’t sit here all day looking up Yiddish words and using them improperly but I have work to do. I’ve got to get 10 more synopses done. I’ve got to finish up my weekly assignment. Tanya’s going in for Lasik tomorrow and she’ll be here all day acting blind and bothering me for every little thing. I’ll never get anything done.

“Oh, I can’t open my eyes! I’ll go blind if I do! My eyes will fall out! I’m not allowed to lift heavy things…with my eyes!”

Come on, like the vacuum is all that heavy. And a dish weighs what? About a half a pound?! I see, she won’t have the ability to go to work but she will have the ability to sleep on the couch?!

I’m kidding. Stop it.

Fun Fact: Since I’ve started my freelance job for “that big online DVD rental company” I’ve done about 920 movie synopses!

I’d be a walking movie encyclopedia if anyone gave a pupik about any of the films that I’ve written up. Plus not all of them are movies. But if anyone’s interested in ‘Zoe Lucker’s Little Black Dress Workout,’ I’ve got the goods, baby.

No comments: