Wednesday, September 22, 2004

They’re Always After Me

It’s a strange new phenomenon. Dangerous? Maybe. Deadly? For sure.

Okay, you may be saying to yourselves, “that makes no sense.” You’d be right. But it doesn’t change the fact that this new phenomenon is possibly dangerous and most definitely deadly.

Or maybe it does. Does it?


Enough! Let me get to the point and stop wasting space. Here is the new perhaps deadly, unquestionably lethal phenomenon to which I refer:

Stupid "family" decals. Do these things bother anyone else? They don’t seem right or practical. Least of all now. (Aside from the obvious danger that they obstruct rear window vision)

The times in which we live offer many dangers. Terrorist threats, kidnappers and Trans Fatty Acids to name a few. It doesn’t seem wise that people should put their family tree on the back window of a minivan. But not their entire family tree, no. Just the kids. All that’s missing is a map to their house and their grade school class schedule.

Okay, maybe it’s not that dangerous. But it could be. That thing even has the kids’ names on it. That’s just bad judgment. Not that any kidnapper will probably recognize the kids from their stick figure doppelganger.

This kind of thing used to be okay. In fact when my sister and I were little kids (I was 8 or 9 and Mandy was 6 or 7), we used to go to my father’s house in West Virginia every year to spend the summer. One year my mom shipped us off with our names on our shirts. Not only our names, but our home telephone number! I’m guessing that if we were abducted, she wanted to get that ransom demand as soon as possible. That’s the kind of mom she was. Great. She would have paid that ransom demand too, I reckon, in a heartbeat!

But that was then. People saw that type of thing as a way to make kids safer. Which it did. Nowadays, we train kids like we train spies.

“Hey, where is your mother!?”

“Jessica, second grade, desk in corner, Miss Hooper homeroom.”

“Look, honey, it’s me, daddy. I just need to know where your mother went.”

“Jessica, second grade, desk in corner, Miss Hooper homeroom.”

However, I do know that the people who own this particular minivan are too old to have small children. I can only assume that the stick figures represent their grandchildren. Either that, or there are some red faced 40-somethings out there begging mom to take that stupid decal off the car.

What could make these grandparents risk their kid’s security just to advertise their family’s sexual virility?

Maybe we should take a closer look?

Here is the decal in a larger view. But you probably already figured that out.

I think that there is something more sinister at work here. This seems to be a strange family. I can’t figure out if there are 8 kids or if the biggest two are the parents.

Either way, this is a bizarre crew. Perhaps they’re not worried about kidnappers and terrorists and high cholesterol? Who knows. But I sincerely hope that they like baseball. I know that whenever I see someone holding a bat in the way depicted on the decal, my first thought isn’t “hit one out of the park for me!”

Oh sure, the stick figures are smiling, but they’re pretty menacing with those bats. And who could blame them? One of them at least. The second oldest. I’d carry a bat too if I were a goofy grinning bald boy named “Lisa.”

Maybe, they’re inviting the kidnappers in some sort of vigilante sting operation?

Or maybe, and this is my personal belief, maybe the lady who drives the minivan is looking for a little excitement? Perhaps she gets a thrill out of the constant fear that she’s being chased around town by a band of tiny thugs?

It sure beats AM radio anyway.

Fun Fact: As I’ve been writing this, it became Autumn. Officially. At 9:30 pacific standard time.

I don’t quite understand how they came up with the idea to start autumn on the half-hour, but I suspect it has something to do with a huge government cover-up.

This thing goes all the way to the White House!

Happy Autumn! The best time of the year. Now if it only weren’t 90° out today…

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