Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Not Just a Man with a Flashlight

And it’s too bad really. He may actually have something to contribute then.

Of course I’m talking about Usher.

My gym is basically a hip-hop club without the hip. Usually when I’m placed in a situation where I’m forced to listen to a certain style of music, a style with which I’m not too familiar or interested, I gain an appreciation. Not a great love or anything, but an appreciation none the less. This happened to me when I did summer stock in Wyoming. There’s really no escaping country music in Wyoming. Well, there is, but I learned that I hate butt-rock a long time ago.

I came back from that summer with an appreciation for country music. Especially since I had to play it while I was there. Like I said, I don’t love country music, I don’t listen to country music, but I am able to appreciate that Brad Paisley is one hell of a guitar player.

Anyway, they play a lot of rap and hip-hop at the gym. And not good rap and hip-hop.

But they’re not content with just playing it on the stereo. No, we get to watch it on the TVs. Can’t listen to it on the TVs, but we sure do get to watch it.

See, Usher has done it again. He’s duked it out and kept his crown. He’s the undisputed king of…well, not hip-hop, right? Something. I don’t know what you would classify his music as. R&B? Maybe. But I remember a time when R&B actually contained elements of Rhythm and Blues! So I refuse to classify it that way.

Let’s just call it easy-hop. Ghetto-light. All of the ridiculous stereotyping with none of the edge.

This time Usher has teamed up with Alicia Keys. Say it ain’t so Alicia! I actually think that Alicia is talented. I think Usher is a waste.

Their musical masterpiece is entitled “My Boo.” A lovely title. A term of endearment. Boo.

It used to be a good word. It was scary! So was the word “usher!” He’s single handedly ruining every word in the English language. And even some that aren’t. Here’s an excerpt (I’ve added some editorial adjustments, in case Usher wants to re-release the song as a duet with Nelly):

It started when we were young girl(s)
You were mine my boo
Now another brother's taking over (for you, his name is Carl, he’s a stockbroker, he’s dreamy and…he’s riiiiiiich!)
But its still in your eyes my boo
Even though we used to argue it's alright
I know we haven't seen each other
In awhile but you will always be my boo


I wish I could write like this. But no, I’m stuck here. I don’t have a big house or Alicia Keys pretending to be my ex-girlfriend. And, believe it or not, there are even those out there more deserving of those things than me.

They belong to Usher. Jerk.

When I watched this video, I was already in a foul mood. Nelly’s video was on right before it.

I heard your friend tell a friend that told a friend of mine
That you was thinking that we should do it one more time
If this ain't the truth then hopefully it's not a lie
Cause I ain't got no issue with hitting that another time
We never had a problem with gettin it done
Disagreed upon a lot ma, but sex wouldn't one
Now check it I know you get excited when I come around and bite it
Quit frownin up and quit actin like you don't like it

I think I got a bad translation. I suspect that in the line “Disagreed upon a lot ma, but sex wouldn't one,” the world “wouldn’t” is actually supposed to be “wuddn’t.” Always recheck the spell-checker peeps!

But back to Usher. There was a bit of suspicious business in his video. I don’t know if it was intentional, but something’s going on here.

As you know, I’ve always suspected that Usher is gay. I’m not trying to be derogatory or anything, I’m just telling you that I think he’s gay. And I think that he wants to tell the world. Albeit, in a subtle “oh we all saw it coming” sort of way.

In the video, Usher sings these lines:

Do you remember girl
I was the one who gave you your first kiss
Cause I remember girl
I was the one who said put your lips like this

In the video, when Usher sings “…put your lips like this,” there’s a shot of Alicia putting on lipstick. And Usher is nowhere to be found.

Now why would a straight brother give makeup tips?

And who are these hip-hop guys trying to kid anyway. Not that there’s anything wrong with it, but if you’ve got your own clothing line it’s pretty much a foregone conclusion.

Fun Fact: This past weekend, Tanya and I were invited to watch Aussie Rules Football at the Cock and Bull British Pub on Lincoln.

There were a lot of people there, mostly foreigners. I was really looking forward to it. After all, Aussie Rules is pretty interesting. High-scoring, brutal, tough.

Then the pre-show started.

All I can say is that no one can femme up a manly sport like the Aussies.

And the New TAM Cartoon is up!

I swear that I’m not homophobic. It’s just that Usher, and the people in the Aussie Rules pre-show are gay! It’s a fact, people!

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