Thursday, September 02, 2004

Pomp, Pomp, ah Pomp-Pomp

It makes no sense, but it’s got a great beat.

Thank you all for waiting so patiently yesterday while I decided not to post – except for my mother who, according to her comments, really wants me to post a picture of the bucket. Sorry, mom. Every time I try to take one, the bucket throws his jacket over his head and his handlers put their hands over my lens. Who does he think he is, if he didn’t want people to take pictures of him, he shouldn’t have become a bucket!

Truth is that I have nothing to say today either. But you probably already guessed that.

I’m really resisting the urge to talk about the Republican National Convention. I don’t want this blog to get all political and stuff. But I have to tell you, it’s hard to resist. I get mad when I think about it, and when I get serious, this blog gets woefully unfunny.

Right now it’s only annoyingly unfunny. I set the unfunny level at alert “yellow.” Not funny enough to skip “Last Comic Standing,” but not unfunny enough to start watching “King of Queens.”

But the RNC is a hard thing to get out of my mind. George Bush’s hostage tactic of “the war on terror (read the war in Iraq)” is a bit like pooping in the break room at work and then telling your boss that you can’t be fired because you’re the only one who will pick it up.

Sorry, I said that I wouldn’t talk about it and then, to make matters even worse, I went and grossly oversimplified the situation. With an emphasis on “grossly.”

But if I didn’t talk about the rhetorical speeches (even more so than the DNC) what would I have to talk about? What If I said nothing about the GOP’s “Chicken or the Egg” political strategy, what would I say then? If I didn’t mention that there are two kinds of people headlining the RNC, moles and sellouts, what else would I say? If I didn’t point out that the two-party system doesn’t work, especially when Republicans dress themselves in Democratic clothing for the sole purpose of exploiting their voters and stirring up a self-publicizing stink, what could I discuss? I don’t think there would be much else to say if I didn’t reveal the obvious fact that people like Arnold and Giuliani have more “liberal” viewpoints that they claim to be “passionate” about but are willing to sell out at the drop of a hat to the Republican Party for some votes and to propagate the GOP’s fiscal policy, proving that they care more about their cash than personal integrity. And what could I talk about if I didn’t talk about the fact that the moderate viewpoints of Arnold and Giuliani matter less than my opinion if they pander to the party platform?

Uh-oh, the unfunny alert has been raised to “Orange: Maybe there’s a rerun of ‘Momma’s Family’ on somewhere?” This is for many reasons; my discussion of the RNC, even when I “promised” not to mention it, my “original” “satire” of the terror alert system, and my “hilarious” overuse of sarcastic quotation marks.

I apologize, but I did state towards the beginning of this post that I didn’t have anything to say. Don’t believe me? It’s after all that nonsense about the anthropomorphized bucket.

No, wait, I do have something to say – I got a haircut last night! Wow, that’s much better than the RNC. At least it had a point!

Damnit. Sorry. Woefully unfunny.

Fun Fact: An apology. Yes, “another” one! Geeze.

In my last post I accused Dear Liza of having discovered the hole in the bucket. Now, after two days of the horrifically repetitive folksong being stuck in my thick head, I realize that I might have been mistaken. I now know that my statements might have caused some distress to the families of Liza and Henry.

Although I truly believed the statement I made was accurate, I recognize now that Liza and Henry did not view this incident the same way I did. After months of reviewing discovery, listening to their attorney, and even their testimony in person, I now understand how they feel that they did not view the events in the same way. I issue this statement today fully aware that while one part of this case ends today, another remains. I understand that the civil case against me will go forward.

Oh, no it won’t – suckers! I had my fingers crossed while they were tied behind my back by the Gestapo prosecutor! Besides, I’m talking about fictional characters, dummies.

(Editor’s note: I know that I shouldn’t exit the post like this, but did Kobe Bryant actually write his own statement. It’s really awful. Very bad awful confusing grammar with. And not just a little…dim. Get ‘em Kobe!)

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