Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Take a Pill, Dear Liza and Henry…

Buckets. Was there ever a more perfect invention? I submit that there wasn’t – and still isn’t!

I’m being serious about this. We went to Target last week and actually purchased a bucket. Now, a bucket is one of those things that you don’t usually go out to buy. You usually inherit them somehow. But seeing as how we’ve had no cause lately to buy 5 gallons of paint or Plaster of Paris, it was up to us, if we ever wanted to be one of the lucky “bucketed ones,” to take some initiative and spend the $6.

So now we are the proud parents of a handy-dandy bucket complete with handle and convenient see-through measuring system. Very state-of-the-art, you know. High brow, if you will.

It’s amazing, if you think about it, that we went this long without a bucket. It’s a simple invention. And it was, at one time, one of the most crucial implements of the home. Why without buckets, people would have had to carry water a mouthful at a time.

The same goes for human waste.

That’s why dear Liza and dear Henry were in such a tizzy once they discovered a hole in theirs. In fact, if Henry hadn’t displayed such bucket fixing proficiency, who knows what he would have made Liza do to raise the funds for a new one. After all, she discovered the hole. And as we all know, we’re always a bit suspicious that the discoverer of the problem actually had something to do with the cause of the problem. It’s not fair, but it’s human nature.

“Hon, the refrigerator door came off in my hand!”

“What did you do!?”

“Nothing, it just fell off!”

“Well, you shouldn’t have pulled on it!”

Anyway, my deep new-found respect for buckets came yesterday when I had to mop the floors. Usually – pre-bucket – I had to prepare the mop in the kitchen sink. But I also needed to mop the bathroom, so I would usually have to get the mop ready and then run through the apartment to the bathroom, trying not to drip ammonia-water on the couch and computer. (Yes, we do have a sink in the bathroom, but it’s too small for the mop, smartie)

Not anymore! My days as an Olympic wet-mop sprinter are over. All thanks to an ancient invention called the bucket.

Also, I no longer have to map out a kitchen mopping strategy in order to leave the room without leaving footprints.

I love you bucket.

Fun Fact: As you may or may not know, autumn is my favorite time of the year. And “harvest mix” is some of my favorite non-chocolate candy. If you don’t know harvest mix, it’s basically candy corn and bigger shapes made out of the stuff they make into candy corn (when it’s not being shaped to look like a spooky kitty or a jug of maple syrup). It’s not that it’s the tastiest candy available, but it’s so tied in my subconscious to autumn that I have to have it around.

(I’m a little weird about Autumn.)

We went to Albertsons, and what did I see? Halloween candy! In August! Yeah!

Oh yes, you can be cynical if you like, but I think we don’t start holidays soon enough. I mean, come on, there are really only two or three great holidays a year, it’s not my fault that they’re so close together.

I mean, does anyone really look foreword to Valentines Day or Flag Day or Memorial Day? No, not really. I guess St. Patrick’s Day is kinda’ cool especially if you live in a city so inundated with the Irish that they pollute the river every year, but for the rest of us it’s just an excuse to drink. And if you need an excuse that badly, it’s time to reevaluate your faith.

And the Fourth of July has turned into a fetish holiday.

So why not stretch Halloween into August and Christmas into September (or August if you’re Costco)? They’re great holidays and they should be celebrated as much as possible.

And no, they aren’t more special if they’re celebrated in small doses.

It’s a fact!

Also, the TAM Cartoon is up! Booyah!

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