It was another annoying news day. So, of course, I have a few bones to pick. Sure it’s just a bunch of whining, but let’s face it, isn’t that what the internet is for?
My latest gripes are of the legal variety.
First, I’ll start with the Scott Peterson case. Amber Frey took the stand yesterday. She’ll be back again today. So the morning news was full of accounts of her testimony and those silly courtroom drawings. Do the drawings really add anything? There’s no drama. They’re just pictures.
But I can appreciate the artists; I’m sure they’re just happy to not have to make the all day trip to the Santa Monica Pier. I’ll bet courtroom money is way better than caricature money.
So all morning we had to listen to what a big fat fatty liar Scott Peterson was. No, really? You mean to tell me that Scott Peterson lied!? Come on people, we knew he was a liar, right? He was having an affair! He’s supposed to lie, that’s how it works. It’s smarmy, sure. But after all, a marital affair with no lies is called an “open marriage.”
The newscasters went on to make a big deal about how Scott said that his favorite movie was The Shining. See people; let this be a lesson to you all. Never tell people what your favorite movie is. Some day you may be on trial for double murder and you wouldn’t want it to came back and bite you in the ass.
“His girlfriend is missing, he said that his favorite movie was Casablanca, I say we call the French Foreign Legion and start combing the Moroccan desert…”
The Shining is a good movie. It doesn’t make him a psycho because he liked it. I know a lot of people who really liked that film. They don’t scare me. But I have to tell you, I’d run for my life if anyone ever answered with Species 2.
No, Scott Peterson isn’t a psycho because of the kinds of movies that he likes. He’s a psycho because he nonchalantly killed his wife and unborn baby. Allegedly. I have no proof. Personally, I hope he’s innocent, I mean, come on, he already looks like the world’s biggest ass. World’s biggest ass and cold blooded killer is a little much don’t you think?
My gut tells me he’s guilty. Lucky for Scott Peterson, although my gut is expanding its territory, it still hasn’t been named “Grand High Dictator of the World.”
Here’s my second legal gripe of the day. Mike Wallace was arrested yesterday for disorderly conduct. For those of you who don’t know, he was fighting with the parking Gestapo.
Sure, pick on the old guy. Mike Wallace is 86 years old. You know what. Who cares!? In my humble opinion, Mike Wallace deserved it. He was double parked. In a limo! They asked him to move, he said no, they said yes, he said no…
Screw you, Mike Wallace. So you were just going to run in to grab your dinner. So what?! None of the rest of us gives a rat’s ass.
You know he gave them the old, “do you know who I am?!”
Double parking is annoying; it blocks up traffic and causes a headache for those of us unfortunate enough to be stuck behind you. No one likes a double parker, Mike.
And when you have a driver it’s unforgivably heinous. Unless he used his hazard lights, then it’s okay.
But you’re going to hear a big old sobby story from Mike on 60 minutes. Don’t believe it for a second. He’s just mad that those parking Nazis didn’t want to give him special treatment. Jerk.
Fun Fact: On a non-legal and happy note, I got paid yesterday for my first personally commissioned song. I was compensated with a big box of Frango Mint Chocolates! Yummy! They came all the way from Chicago. Yummier!
I don’t why Chicago makes it yummier. But I do know one thing; I’ve eaten a lot of chocolate since last night.
And I’ve been overpaid.