I Went Medieval

No asses were harmed.

That’s right; we went to Medieval Times on Saturday. A good time was had by all. By all, I mean Tanya, Julie, Vince, Rachel, Keith and I.

Identities protected to avoid unwanted embarrassment:

Most people only know of Medieval Times as that place Jim Carrey took Matthew Broderick in The Cable Guy. Or, more recently, as the place the Knight worked in Garden State. It’s unfortunate, really. You probably think of it as a place where a bunch of Renaissance Faire geeks ride ponies and swing swords at each other.

And, that’s exactly what it is. But that’s why it’s so fun. Sure, they’re a bunch of Ren-Faire nerds, but really, would you want it any other way? Personally, I would feel a little cheated if the people involved didn’t actually want to be real-live knights. A group of disillusioned Gen X-ers just wouldn’t be the same. All those sarcastic line readings and eye-rolling and such.

If you haven’t gone, I recommend it. Sure, it’s not for the faint of heart. It costs a little bit. But you get a lot of food. I mean a lot of food (vegetarians need not apply), that’s surprisingly good. You get to see frustrated long-haired actors swing maces at each other. You get to see dancing ponies. You get to watch the hopeful faces of the “suires” as they dream of working their way up from crap-wrangler to Knight. But more importantly, you get to wear a paper crown.

And, I ask you, if you’re a Falconer by trade, where else can you hope to find a steady job?

That’s right, I’m saying it. Medieval Times is cool. I’m not ashamed of it.

I do, however, have a few criticisms:

1. The paper crown (which astonishingly, 95% of the people wore) gives one heck of a case of “Crown Hair.”

2. The wizard refused to move his mouth to his pre-recorded dialogue. Even Brittany spears at least tries to make it look convincing. And don’t give me that Fantasy-Nerd crap about “communicating via telepathy.”

3. The “Princess” was horrible. She was pretty enough, sure. Well, “theatre pretty.” But when she said her lines she sounded like Charlie Brown’s Teacher on helium.

4. The actual “story” of the “tournament” is a bit convoluted. I’m all for exposition. But, honestly, at Medieval Times, we shouldn’t be getting lost in the plot. If I wanted to be confused, I’d go and see Code 46 again.

5. Medieval Times, if you insist on having such a complicated back-story, then don’t let the annoying photograph guys bug the audience while you’re telling it. From what I could gather, the reason for the tournament was because the King’s brother was killed in battle and they needed to replace him with a commemorative picture that cost about $12. Am I close?


But those are all small criticisms. Again, if you live close to one and have never been, go to Medieval Times. Like I said, it costs a little bit, but as any of you who have gone out for a nice dinner lately can testify to, it’s highly comparable. Plus you get two beers with dinner.

And where else can you watch kids shovel horse crap while you eat a half a chicken with your dirty fingers?

Yummy.

You don’t get that at Palomino Restaurant. Even if it is named after a horse.


Fun Fact: This piece of Medieval Trivia comes from here:

Here’s the provenance of the saying, "don't throw the baby out with the bath water"?

In medieval times, the man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.


I mean, really, who needs clean babies? They’re just going to poop on themselves anyway.