Thursday, September 09, 2004

A Three Hour Book Tour

As most of you probably already know, tragedy has struck our country twice this week. And it’s possible that it will strike again.

Florida has been ravaged by hurricanes. Francis is gone, but Ivan is waiting in the wings like an eager understudy getting his big break on the day the critics come to the show. Billions of dollars of damage have devastated the Florida peninsula, people have lost their lives. It’s chaos down there.

But perhaps the most harrowing tale to come from the recent disaster is that J-Lo’s boat has been smashed to bits like J-Lo’s acting career.

Similes aside, this tidbit of “news” has been on TV for a couple days now. Does anyone even care? Millions of people have been affected by hurricane Francis, should we really be focusing on J-lo? Somewhere in Florida there’s a family saying “All we had is gone. We didn’t have insurance. How will we ever be able to afford a new double-wide?!”

And somewhere in the world J-Lo is saying “I had a boat in Florida?”

I know what the press is doing. They’re trying to be tongue-in-cheek. But really, isn’t it a bit too early to be making jokes about the hurricane? We’re not talking about a botched election here. They’re tying to make fun of J-Lo. They think that we’ll all get a big kick out of seeing her boat demolished on a beach. Maybe because she’s über-rich, maybe because her little party-barge of a boat wasn’t all that impressive to begin with. But the point remains that I have to see it on the news in the morning. And if there’s one thing I hate, it’s being reminded that J-Lo has a career, much less a boat.

Now to the second tragedy:

Paris Hilton has a new book out. I say “new” because it is new, not because it’s her latest. Hopefully there will never be another one. She was over in Century City at the mall Tanya and I frequent, signing books at the bookstore. Bill Clinton was there too, not at the same time. I’m just saying that it’s a popular book store for celebrity book signings, I guess.

Aside from the fact that I’ve been to that mall hundreds of times and never noticed a bookstore, it’s nice that someone can find it. I mean, Paris came all the way from Beverly Hills to sign books there! That’s like 12 blocks at least!

I know, I know, the people of Century City shouldn’t be denied their Paris Hilton simply because they live next to her. I’m being unfair. Maybe jealous that I didn’t attend the signing?

No, probably not.

She did venture a little further from home this morning. She was on the Today show being interviewed by Matt Lauer. She’s like real proud of her new book. It’s sort of like a satirical type book. But there are still some useful tips for heiresses. But like, not only heiresses can use them. Like rich people in general, you know?

Anyway, Matt’s trying his best to be professional about the whole thing. Also subliminally trying to convince the world that he’s a real newsman, just doing this kind of stuff to pay the mortgage. We know better Matty. So Miss Hilton is asked about her upbringing, she goes a little on the defensive.

“People think that I’ve had everything handed to me on a silver platter. It’s not true. I get up early in the morning. I’m working on a new album right now and I make movies!”

Well, at least you’re working for it, Paris. See, that’s why vapid rich heiresses shouldn’t try to defend themselves. Maybe she should put that in her book as an extra chapter. It could lengthen the book even. You know, for the second edition. Chapter 4: ‘Vapid Rich Heiresses Should Never Defend Themselves’ “People, it seems will never have sympathy for the non-working heiress of a fortune they had no part in obtaining or keeping. People are dumb dumb dummies. Chill out, I say, get a facial! I work hard; daddy bought me a record deal!”

She also went on to say that her parents were strict. I’m sure that they had like rules and junk, but it seems that they were never around to enforce them. See, that’s not being a strict parent. That’s being a delusional parent with ambitions of looking strict. I can tell my Diet Pepsi can to make me a sandwich, but that doesn’t mean that I’ve mastered the art of Diet Pepsi can management.

But I am still working on that one. Freaking Pepsi cans are just obstinate. Full of spite.

Personally, I can’t stand Paris Hilton, she’s a useless celebrity. I don’t understand why people would wait in line for a day just to get her to sign their book. But more power to them I guess, at least now those people can say that Paris actually wrote part of their book.

Let’s not kid ourselves, Paris didn’t write that book. But somewhere there’s an alcohol marinated out-of-work ghost-writer who’s trying to drink away the last remaining lingering ambition to be the next James Joyce.

Fun Fact: A fun fact in poem form:

It’s hot in here.
Really hot.
My brain stopped working it’s so hot.
Is it actually that hot in here or is it just me?
I don’t have a thermometer.
Just my brain that’s stopped working.
It’s hot in here.
Really hot.

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