Friday, September 03, 2004

Serve ME Damnit!

It’s Friday! The end of another week. What have you done with yourself?

You know what I did with myself? I spent 15 minutes standing in line at Albertsons, that’s what I did!

Here’s the thing. Yesterday I was making this crock pot thing and the last step needed milk. The instructions mentioned nothing about milk. But sure enough, I get to the last step, and it needs stupid milk. And seeing as how Trader Joes puts something in their free-range corn-fed cable TV milk to make it expire 3 days after you get it home, I had to go to the store.

With the price of dairy these days, I opted not to get an entire gallon. We can get two gallons of milk at Costco for the price of one at the “regular” grocery stores. Besides, there’s some chemical in that Costco milk, a super-preservative, that makes it last forever so there’s no danger involved with buying 2 gallons. After the nuclear Armageddon, there will be nothing left but cockroaches, Hilary Duff and gallons of Costco nonfat milk.

Anyway, I decided to go to Albertsons to buy a pint of milk. I only needed ¾ of a cup anyway. I hate going to the supermarket by myself. Actually, I hate going anywhere by myself. Well, not anywhere, just anywhere that there’s people.

But I did it, I cowboyed up and drove the three blocks to the store.

My shopping experience was pleasant enough. I know that store like the back of my hand. Not that I know the back of my hand all that well. Besides, I figured that I’d be in and out of that place real quick like. After all, I only had a pint of milk. Plus, they just recently installed these new “self checkout” lines. That would make it even faster, right?

Man, I have never been more wrong about anything since I tried my hand at calculus.

I should have known better. Most people at this store can’t figure out how to use the parking lot much less a computerized checkout line. And I won’t lie to you; these machines are a little complicated.

I got into line. There were three cybernetic check stands open – all with only one person in them. But then I heard it, a sound you never want to hear in the self-checkout line…“please wait for assistance, please wait for assistance, please wait for assistance…”

Not from just one of them, but two!

See, these people (they were all women, but I’m not going to be sexist by mentioning it…oops) can’t figure out how to use these things, right? They’ve never done it before. But by god, they’re going to use coupons and buy bulk items with no UPCs!

Once again, I backed the wrong horse. I had to choose the line with the biggest problem. I was the only one in line for a while, but my body language “favored” one of the lines a little more than the rest, leaving the door wide open for this bitch to cut in front of me with a basket full of crap. I only had one item! A pint of milk! I even had my debit card ready to go! It would’ve only taken a second!

Now, let me clear something up here. I’m not one of those people who think that just because I have fewer items, I should be able to go to the front of the line. If that were the case then people with carts full of stuff would never get out of the store. That’s why the “line” was invented. It’s fair and unprejudiced. A fantastic creation actually.

But see, this lady saw that I had been waiting longer than her! Bitch. Plus, she was slow as hell. After the women in my line teamed up to crash the entire computer, I was forced to get in line behind the basket bitch. It’s humiliating.

This is such an interesting story, no? I know that you all on the edge of your seats wondering, “what about that third line?”

It was taken up by a woman with an entire shopping cart full of stuff including a two-year-old – and a freaking baby!

Lady, you’ve got two –very loud – children, maybe the self-checkout line isn’t for you. And all that stuff? Unless you have a Masters from MIT, you shouldn’t be here. The woman who had trouble buying a half pound of coffee should’ve been your hint.

Being the superior jerk that I am, I tried to fix the computer that the other ladies had crashed. Needless to say, I was not successful. It was stupid of me to even try, really. But I had to do something to keep me from hurling a pint of milk at a toddler and a bitch with a basket. And of course, there were no Albertsons employees around to help. Couldn’t they hear the cries of the computer? Maybe not. Maybe instead of “please wait for assistance, please wait…” they should program them to scream “stop it lady, you’re killing me!”

Anyway, after backing the wrong horse – again – his guy was nice enough to let me go in front of him.

It took two seconds…

Fun Fact: This post makes me sound like a sexist pig. But really is there anything more annoying than a middle aged woman at a supermarket? With the possible exception of an old woman.

I’m not trying to be sexist. There’s a reason these women at the store are so annoying, and it’s the same reason that they are the only ones in line at the killer robot checkout (with the exception of myself and that other guy who came late…each of us only had one item).

Women aren’t afraid to look a little confused sometimes. They’re more adventurous. Men are generally terrified to look like they don’t know what they’re doing in public. We need to master our skills before we put on a show.

But ladies, please, practice on your own time! Sometimes my patience isn’t worth a 30 cent coupon.

What am I saying, it never is.

Oh, and I rock for knowing how to flawlessly use the self-checkout.

Oh, and the new TAM cartoon is up (let me know if you thinks it’s a little…creepy. Something about it creeps me out. And I drew it!)

Oh, and rereading my fun fact…evidentially I actually am sexist. I never knew that about myself. Huh.

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