Tuesday, October 26, 2004

But Can Sparky Do My Homework?

It is said that dogs are man’s best friend. But we’ve all had at least one best friend who, for one reason or another, thought that it would be a good idea to get wasted and prank call your ex-girlfriends.

Finally, you can pick your friend a little better. No more getting shot down at the local bar because the idiot you walked in with chose to tell the cute girls in the corner booth that you lived with your parents until you were 21. No more disappearing CD collection.

And maybe, just maybe, your new best friend will finally tell you that checkered Vans are as bad an idea now as they were in ’84.

But be aware that some dogs are smarter than others. The Border Collie tops the list of dogs ranked for their brightness. Following closely is the Poodle, which begs the question, “if they’re so smart, why do they hang out with such dummies?” Rottweilers, German Shepards, Doberman Pinschers and Golden Retrievers are also on the list.

I had a Golden Retriever once. He was an idiot. But in his defense, he was mixed with an Irish Setter. Something akin to if Stephen Hawking and Tara Reid had an ill-nurtured love child…


Sorry, that’s the wrong post. My computer malfunctioned and I have a wicked case of acid reflux.

To the real post: Okay, come on. Seriously. What constitutes news these days? Ashlee Simpson lip-synchs! Nooooooooo! Say it ain’t so! And on Saturday Night Live no less! What is the world coming to?

Let’s not pretend that Saturday Night Live is the bastion of hip that it used to be. I won’t even watch that show anymore…and I can sit through an entire episode of Adventures from the Book of Virtues.

On second thought, that may actually answer a few questions. Huh.

Anyway, how can we blame Lorne Michaels for booking acts that lip-synch? If he didn’t, he wouldn’t have any acts! Everybody lip-synchs. The public doesn’t really care. Are there really people out there who think that little Mrs. Spears-Alexander-Federline can actually sing?!

If the public cared as much as they seem to on the morning news shows, they would stop picking their celeb-faves based on how cute they are. The music industry would be filled with people who look like Keith Richards.

Hold on, I’m trying to figure out which side of the argument I’m on.

No, I’ve got it. I’m getting sick of singers who lip-synch. Especially when they make lame excuses about why. Screw acid reflux (at least it’s original…and not all that pretty), screw computer malfunctions and the band playing the wrong song. Grow a pair and tell the truth.

The truth is that you just don’t sound very good live. That’s it. Give it up to the recording studio technicians, and just tell the world that your voice isn’t as good as it sounds on the album. Your techies will love you for it. And maybe they’ll stop talking about your lack of talent behind your back.

I’m angry that people like Ashlee Simpson have a career. They don’t write their own songs. They don’t sing their own songs. They don’t promote their own songs. What the hell do they do? Ashlee spends most of her time trying to convince us that she’s all “punk and junk.”

Sure, punk like Mayim Bialik from blossom.

I just can’t take the girl seriously. I think it’s because she reminds me of Barbara Streisand in Yentil. Maybe I’d respect Ashlee more if she would split “Autobiography” and “Surrender” with a kick ass punked out rendition of “Sunrise Sunset” or “People who Need People?”

This weekend, Tanya and I went with some friends to the Dresden to take in Marty and Elaine. They’re a lounge act there. They’ve been doing it for years and they’re a little bit of an institution.

Marty and Elaine don’t lip-synch (trust me). They plug it out, night after night. They don’t sell out arenas. They don’t show up on SNL. They play for probably about 150 people a night (that’s counting turnover). They seem to be happy. They put on a good lounge show. They’re the real musicians. I think that we have a tendency to forget about all of the people struggling in small clubs everywhere. Hauling all their crap around in the back of somebody’s van.

The Ashlee Simpsons and Brittny Spearses of the world should apologize to them. Apologize for being gutless, spoilt brats.

Fun Fact: I think Usher reads this blog. I mean, come on, I blog about his hidden homosexuality and now there’s a sex tape?!

Convenient, isn’t it?

Riiiiight, “Ush.” You’re just having a good time aren’t you?

Usher’s people call the sex tape a scandal. I suspect that Usher calls it something else – a red herring.

Evidently, the video shows Usher hamming it up while the woman moans. But watch closely. You’ll probably see Usher throw up in his mouth a little.

Speaking of throwing up a little (and tight tights), the new TAM Cartoon is up. Sure you have to look at it, but I had to draw it.

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