Things I Never Thought I’d Write on This Blog

Topping my old list of “things I never thought I’d write on this blog” was “That Britney Spears, what a class act! And so talented…”

That was obvious. I actually think about how much I’d never say something like that. That’s the funny thing about thinking about what you’d never say…ever. The things that you’d truly never say are the things that you wouldn’t even think to say.

With all that confusing exposition out of the way: Last night I spent the evening chewing on a $45 steak and sipping expensive Australian wine at Morton’s Steakhouse while entertaining the nicest group of Mexican Millionaires I’ve ever met.

Tanya’s father is in the fruit business. These people are clients. He needed to take them out to dinner. He decided that the perfect place to take 15 friendly rich Mexicans was Morton’s Steakhouse.

Seems the evident choice if you ask me.

Luckily, he decided to let Tanya and I come along with him. He was in Anaheim on business. Arms were twisted. After all, who would want to go to a pricey steakhouse on an expense account?

Well, if you were to ask my body this morning, it would probably pass. But last night, it was all for it. And it was really a good time. I like to pretend to be wealthy every once in a while. Besides, I don’t get to do it all that often. Unless you count all the times I thumb my nose at homeless people. And then I’m not necessarily pretending to be rich…just richer than them…and way superior.

It didn’t matter that, with the exception of the interpreter and another gentleman, no one spoke English. An expense account can be enjoyed by anyone. Hell, they could speak Swahili for all I care. Maybe they did, I don’t know how to ask that question. I wanted to impress them with my bilingualism. But I already knew where the bathroom was, I went there about ten times in the course of the evening. Asking would have only made me look more stupid.

But honestly, I’ve never wanted to speak Spanish so much in my life. They were good people and I wanted to be able to communicate with them in a more sophisticated manner, not just childish gestures and goofy grins.

I felt a little bad actually. I doesn’t matter how smart someone is, if they don’t speak your language they always come across as some kind if idiot savant. And we treat them a little like that.

I felt bad until I realized that they were probably thinking the same thing about me.

But there are some things that are universal. These people didn’t speak English, but that didn’t stop them from giving Tanya and I a hard time about getting married. Luckily, the main guy was on our side. And they were all doing it in good fun.

I’ve never seen so many tiny pictures of children in my life, though. They all had kids. They all had pictures of their kids. And all of those pictures looked as if they had been pried out of the world’s smallest locket. They like their little tiny pictures down there in Mexico. I hope that the size is due to the fact that they have large families and carrying around pictures bigger than a postage stamp would cause them to have to carry purses and not that they may be ashamed of their ugly kids.

I’m sure that’s it the former. None of those kids were ugly. At least from what I could tell without my jeweler’s loop.

I felt a little guilty that I didn’t carry any pictures of my loved ones. The only pictures in my wallet are of me. And while my driver’s license picture is okay, the ones on my debit card and old college student ID (still very useful I might add) are embarrassing.

Anyway, I’m glad to finally say that I’ve entertained Mexican Millionaires. It was nice of Tanya’s dad to invite us and I hope I did my part to help him sell apples to Mexico. I mean, without Washington apples, the Mexicans couldn’t team them up with chili powder and wood chips to make lead filled “candy!”

And I don’t want to live in a world without leaded candy.


Fun Fact: I’ve decided to take a break from showbiz and enjoy married life for a while…

Wait! Sorry, I was channeling Britney Spears there for a second. Eeeeggghhhhh!

I hate her, she’s a retard.


But one thing only slightly less retarded is the new TAM Cartoon. It’s up, you know!