Professional Driver on a Closed Course

I know that I’m a day late and probably more than just a dollar short, but I have to talk about the debates.

As you already know, John Kerry is getting a whole cartload of crap for mentioning the “first lesbian.”

Damn you John Kerry! That lesbian belongs to the vice President and his wife! Go and find your own lesbian! (I suggest that you just check the backstage area of any theatre production. Those places are lousy with them.)

Dick Cheney and his wife are more than just a little pissed that Kerry brought up their daughter in the debates. They call it despicable politicking, “a cheap and tawdry political trick.” They want everyone to know what a horrible person John Kerry is for mentioning her by name. Was it necessary that her name be used? No. Is it horribly funny? Yup.

Here’s why. I don’t believe that people should ever be exploited, but come on, the chick is a lesbian. She’s not ashamed of it. I’m not ashamed of it. John Kerry isn’t ashamed of it. Even Dick Cheney says he’s not ashamed of it. So what’s the big deal? It’s not like he outed her or anything. It’s not like he misrepresented her (at least as far as I know, she’s the daughter of the GOP, maybe she’ll show up talking about the “choice” she made to be a lesbian or something). Dick himself has brought her up before.

Why is it despicable politicking to mention her by name? That’s retarded.

You know what despicable politicking is? It’s saying to your daughter:

“Honey, you know mom and dad love you very much and we’re proud of you, right? Good. Keep that in mind because today my friends and I are passing legislation to have you officially designated an abomination. It’s not personal, honey. You want daddy to be vice President, don’t you? I knew you did! I love you sweetie, just not enough to stop my hate-mongering friends.”

“Oh, and that haircut makes you look a bit…manish, sweetie. Thanks. Love always, Vice President Dad.”

If anything, John Kerry’s complete nonchalance about the whole thing while he was saying it goes to show that he’s not prejudiced in any way. I truly believe that he meant nothing derogatory. It’s a bit like accusing someone of being a brunette. The only person who would take offence at being called a brunette is someone who hates brunettes for the simple reason that they’re…well, brunettes.

Screw Dick Cheney and his devil wife. “A cheap and tawdry political trick?!” Sorry that the world had to be reminded of the evil skeleton in the closet, Dicky. I know you’re mad at Kerry for pointing out your own despicable politics, but as long as you keep voting against your own conscience, it’ll continue to sting every time it’s mentioned.

Man, I hate the GOP. This whole thing is a cheap and tawdry political trick.


Fun Fact: I saw the coolest disclaimer on a car commercial the other day. Usually, they just say inane things like “professional driver on a closed course” or “always obey traffic laws” or “do not attempt.” And usually I think, “well it’s a good thing that guy’s a professional, he took that corner at 40 instead of the posted 35mph.”

But this one was a bit more creative and even made me think a little. It said, “dropping cars is only safe in commercials.” “A bit arrogant” said I.

And then I thought, are commercials the only possible safe venue for car dropping? That can’t be. But what if it is? Man, that would turn the world on its ear! What about films or TV shows? What about the junkyard? What about…well, wherever else they find it necessary to drop a car?

But that’s commercial folk for you, they think they know everything. “Do not attempt” bungee jumping? Driving on a wet road? Walking to your car?

Don’t tell me what I can and can’t do, I’ve done all of those things!

And I’ll drop my car wherever I please!

I’ll drop the new TAM Cartoon right now, on the top of the page. It’s up, you know!