Friday, December 17, 2004

Life Intimidates Art

Tanya had lasik surgery three months ago. You already know that. I wrote a couple posts about it. Anyway, she had her three-month checkup on Wednesday. She really wanted me to go. To park the car. She didn’t have a lot of cash for the pay lots so, in case there was no parking on the street, I would have circled the block for a half-hour or something while she found out if she was going to go blind.

Not my idea of a fun morning. I said no.

She claims that she wanted me there to keep her company. I knew better. I’ve driven “Miss Daisy” before. I got quite a little guilt trip about not going. Even though it would have meant that I would have had to drive all the way across town…twice…when normally, I would barely even go outside. Too much fuss for a lazy man. I held my ground.

I’m glad that I did. Besides, Tanya was fine. For a girl who claims that she can’t park, she sure does seem to do it quite a bit. I can’t be there every time, so I don’t know. Maybe there are a lot of dinged-up cars in greater LA. But from what I can tell, she does just fine.

Anyway, I’m glad I didn’t go with her to the Lasik Spa. The Lasik Spa. Yes, I said it. The Lasik Spa. You know the one I’m talking about? It’s on Willshire Blvd. 11600 Wilshire Blvd Suite 100 to be exact.

Yeah, that’s the one.

Anyway, evidently, I say evidently because as I said before, I didn’t go, evidently her check-up went well. She’s not going blind it turns out. Quite the contrary. Her vision’s improving. It’s already better than 20/20. I guess she won’t be happy until she can see through walls. Listen, Tanya, if you ever do eventually get the ability to see through walls, the time between 8:50 and 8:58am is “Robb Time.”

Yeah, I grossed myself out there a little. I say a lot of stupid crap on this thing. That’s what blogs are for. Writing stupid crap.

Which brings me to the rest of my story.

So, Tanya has her exam with Dr. Granberry. That’s Michael E. Granberry MD. He’s not just a doctor because he wrote some stupid theses on the complete works of Shakespeare or the effects of parenting on the unconscious middle child or something. He went to actual medical school. He completed his residency in ophthalmology at the Mayo Clinic!

Yes, it sounds like a place you would take a condiment with syphilis, but it’s really much more than that. The Mayo Clinic is quite possibly the premier condiment venereal disease treatment center – IN THE WORLD!

See, more stupid crap. It just comes out. Stupid crap. I wonder how many times people at the Mayo Clinic have to hear that joke? Poor sucker doctors spend $1 million for 100 years of college just to listen to idiots make stupid jokes about whipped eggs and gonorrhea. And your parents actually wanted you to be a doctor! It’s a tough gig.

Did I mention that Tanya had a check-up? Yeah, well, she did. At the end of which, Dr. Granberry told her that her vision would probably settle to about 20/15. It’s only 20/18 now. What a disappointment, huh? I could tell that Tanya was a little disappointed. I even think that the doctor was a little. I don’t know what exactly would make these two happy?

Oh, yeah, x-ray vision. I mentioned that already.

But, come on, seriously. Tanya has better than perfect vision and they’re fussing about some little numbers.

“Oh, 20/18, huh? Well, I guess that’s better than being blind, right doc?”

“I don’t know. I wish there was something more I could do. You should just really be happy that you didn’t walk out of here with ape-eyes in your skull, my receptionist went to Bryman College.”

Give me a break gift-horse-mouth-lookers, I’m still amazed that for a few thousand bucks you can have perfect vision for the rest of your life. The only side effect is that after you’ve passed away, the bionic eyes continue to work forever, thus tormenting you for all eternity with visions of your final resting place and the horrific unsolved murder that led to your grisly demise.

A small price to pay for good eyebowls, say I.

Oh, God, right, the check-up. Dr. Granberry tells Tanya that she’ll have great vision for all eternity and then he does something that I’m glad I wasn’t there to see. He reaches into Tanya’s file and pulls out – a printout of my blog posts!

He found this dumb blog. He surfs the internet. In fact his office is wired for Wi-Fi. Maybe I shouldn’t have called the place by name. But really, how many “Lasik Spas” can there be in this world?!

Apparently, just one.

So, he pulls out the blog post and starts going through them with Tanya. What the hell did I write?! How embarrassing! Something about Bryman College and locked doors and omelets and beating heart cadavers and hemorrhoids! You know…stupid crap.

But then, Dr. Granberry does something extraordinary…he starts talking about the “valid points” that I raised.

Valid points?!

Maybe he wasn’t actually reading my blog? No, he was. Unfortunately. He agreed with me about the “aggravation suite” and the doilies (don’t tell his employee who put them there) and, of course, the eating of the omelets in the waiting room. (But I really didn’t expect Dr. Granberry to do anything about the omelets. He’s busy…performing surgery! In fact, I would have been really nervous if he would have come out of the back just to make sure that those bratty 20-somethings didn’t drip Tabasco sauce in the dream fountain.)

His only concern was that I didn’t mention how great Tanya’s vision was (and that his lobby is wired for Wi-Fi). He’s right.

Tanya has great vision. Better than perfect. The only problem is that when she stares at the computer screen too long, it bursts into flames. Other than that…perfect. Better even.

But, Dr. Granberry is a cool guy. Here’s a man who invested everything he has into The Lasik Spa. A guy who went through almost as much college as I did (but came out with a much better and useful degree). He had a commercial that played during the Superbowl. He gives the highest quality lasik surgery for, quite possibly, the best price in town. Yet, he found this stupid blog, remembered Tanya, and took the time to tell her how much he appreciated the input.

It wasn’t meant to be input, Dr. Granberry, but thanks. That’s extremely classy. I’ll be in there for my lasik surgery sometime. You’ll recognize me easily. I’ll be the one with the bright red face.

And hey, everybody, if your thinking of getting the surgery, why don’t you check him out. The Lasik Spa. Oh, come on Dr. Granberry, you couldn’t have possibly done all those incredible things…you’re much too young looking.

Okay, now I’m just pandering for a discount. Shameless.

Fun Fact: Last night, Tanya and I went to Rachel and Keith’s new house for some dinner to commemorate the holidays and, well, their new house. We had a great time and they even sat and suffered through the Christmas album. Their friend Seth was also there. He’s a musician. He has a record deal. He also suffered through the Christmas CD. Keith gave us a copy of Seth’s CD. We listened to it in the car. I was amazed at how much I liked it. You know, you meet someone and they say that they’re a musician, but there’s always a catch like, “Yeah, dude, I’ve been a musician now for like 3 months!”

Obviously, Seth’s been a musician for much longer than that. Check out his web site. Seth Horan. The album is “Conduit.” It’s a little like if The Barenaked Ladies fired the entire band except for Jim Creeggan and Steven Page. That’s means that it’s mostly vocals and bass. You might think that you would need more instruments to have a great album of songs.

You would be wrong.

But there are some other instruments thrown in here and there for good measure anyway. Plus, Seth’s a nice guy. Go visit his site. The Buffalo News loved him. I once got reviewed in the campus newspaper. Take that, Seth! Mr. Record Deal!

These grapes are sour.

And the latest TAM Cartoon is up! Boogie, boogie!

Oh, I have one question for Dr. Granberry before I go. What’s with the randomly dimming lights? There.

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