Friday, December 03, 2004

Sick and Twisted

Last night I got to spend the evening at Kaiser Permanente. Those of you who may not know what that is, it’s an HMO (Health Maintenance Organization). In other words, a cheap ass hospital.

I’m not being fair. Kaiser Permanente has always given Tanya quality care. It’s probably not that bad. I wouldn’t know. I don’t have health insurance. Compared to places that I would have to go if, God forbid, I ever actually got sick, Kaiser is the cutting edge of medical technology. Sometimes I feel like those poor AIDS kids in Africa.

But without Africa…or AIDS. And with tons of more money.

Okay, so I’m nothing like those poor AIDS kids in Africa. But I still don’t have health care. And I’m not paying out-of-pocket for it either. I don’t like to pay for things. Just ask my Student Loans people. Thanks for the college cash…suckers!

Anyway, I was at Kaiser last night because Tanya had a sinus infection. The good boyfriend that I am, I went with her. And I didn’t complain about it once! I love hospitals, they’re my favorite places in the world. I like nothing better than to sit in a waiting room filled with sick people for an hour-and-a-half.

But, on the bright side, I wasn’t sick. I purposefully remain well just so I never have to go to the hospital. Why doesn’t everyone else do that? Hypochondriacs.

I caught up on The New Yorker while we sat in the “urgent care” waiting room forever. “Urgent Care” makes it sound like some kind of emergency. But, it’s not the “Emergency Room.” There’s a difference. The emergency room is for emergencies. Urgent care is for people who don’t want to wait 4 weeks to see the doctor.

“My throat really hurts and I need to see the doctor.”

“Okay, she’ll be able to see you in 5 weeks.”

“But in 5 weeks my throat will have stopped hurting!”

“What do you know, you’re cured! It’s another HMO miracle!”

After the HMO, we were both starving. I hadn’t eaten since noon and it was 6:30 by the time we got out of there. And we still had some errands to run before we could eat. I was getting grumpy. There’s nothing like a hospital to make a person feel sick. It seems counterproductive. But I needed food. I was wasting away to nothing.

I know a lot of people who used to do this; I won’t be one of those people who cry “hypoglycemic” every time they’re hungry just so they’re not embarrassed that they have the appetite of a normal human being. I have to eat at least every six hours or so…because I’m freaking hungry!

So, we ran the errand and headed to McDonalds (I was too hungry and impatient to cook). I was looking forward to getting a really big meal. My stomach was not only eating itself, it had also devoured any common sense or consideration for my diet.

I was going to get my meal supersized! A rare treat. None of this medium bull-crap for me, I tell you. Large…smarge! I was hungry. I’m also a rib-head. I love McRib sandwiches (yeah, sure, gross. No one likes McRibs do they? McDonalds just keeps bringing them back just to see the faces on all of those disgusted people. And then they laugh…boy do they laugh. Get a grip McRib haters of the world…they’re tasty!). But McRibs aren’t big enough to satisfy a huge appetite so I needed a lot of fries.

And then I remembered. McDonalds doesn’t have supersized anymore. I thought it was a cruel rumor, but no, they really don’t have it.

What a crock of crap! I still don’t understand why McDonalds would have pulled that option! Can we really not be trusted to make our own decisions? I mean, come on, freaking Carls Junior just came out with a 1-pound hamburger! One entire pound! And then they went and put goddamned pastrami on it! But I can’t get a couple extra fries for a reasonable price?

I was drinking diet soda!

Rediculous. Screw you “Supersize Me.” Oh no, the dangers of overeating! The dangers of fast food! You mean it’s not healthy?! You’re kidding me!

Damn, it’s a good thing that I keep up my healthy cigarette regime to counteract the effects of fast food. Tobacco smoke really cleans out the system.

But that’s the way of the world these days. We all need to be protected from ourselves. Don’t smoke, don’t eat fatty foods, don’t drink the entire bottle of cough syrup…But I don’t think that McDonald has gone far enough. Now supersizing fatties will just go someplace else…like Carls Junior. They should keep the supersize option, but when someone orders it, a counselor should come out from behind the counter, slap their chubby hand and say “no, no, no, you can’t have that…it’s bad! BAD!” And then discuss their inclinations to overindulge.

I know that I’m a bit late on this issue, but it really hit home last night.

Man, I just wanted to stuff my face a little.

Fun Fact: McDonalds has afforded me many guilty pleasures in the past. The McRib is just one of them (and as you can see by defensive attitude above, I’m really guilty about that one). I also enjoy shamrock and eggnog shakes. And in my heyday, I could pound down a 20-piece Chicken McNuggets in 7 minutes! And that included an extra large fries, coke and about 6 sauce packets. I was a champ in my fat days.

Also, the latest TAM Cartoon is up! Quack, quack, waddle, waddle!

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