Monday, December 27, 2004

We Now Return You to Your Regularly Scheduled Diet

The holidays are over. I hope that you all had a wonderful time. Things were good around here. Nice and uneventful. Relaxing even.

But, we’re not out of the woods yet. Tanya’s parents are coming to visit. I think today. I don’t really know. I don’t think that they really know. But one sure thing is that they’re coming.

Maybe.

Tanya’s Parents: “Hey, we can’t wait to see you. Have you booked the hotel yet?”

Tanya: “What are you willing to spend? And when are you coming?”

T’s ‘Rents: “We don’t know yet. Be sure that it’ll be sometime. And make sure the hotel’s close.”

Tanya: “We live near Beverly Hills, the hotels are spendy. Especially when you book it needlessly.”

T’s ‘Rents: “You’ll figure it out.”

Later.

Tanya: “Hey, I found a hotel for you, it’s not too expensive or far away.”

T’s ‘Rents: “Do they take dogs?”

Tanya: “Why would it matter?”

T’s ‘Rents: “Because we have a dog with us, we just picked it up here in Phoenix…duh…”

I love family. But why is it that visits always have to be some big confusing thing? The one exception is my mother. She’s always on schedule. If she says that she’s coming to visit, that’s what she does. She doesn’t bring an unexpected pet or hitchhiker or something with her.

In case you’re confused, Tanya’s parents are bringing a dog with them. Why? Because, that’s why. They picked it up in Phoenix…duh. No trip to Arizona is complete without picking up one of their famous dog souvenirs.

I’ll be disappointed if the dog doesn’t have “The Grand Canyon State” written across it in gold leaf.

But, we’ve been assured that the dog is very sweet. I would expect nothing less. They were trying to get us to let it stay here in our apartment for the week. And “He has a stomach problem and likes to eat cheap Swedish furniture” wouldn’t be a great sell.

We said no. There’s not enough room in this place for a former rescue dog. Yeah, the dog is a former rescue dog. He’s not staying here. We were heartless in our resolve.

Unfortunately we’ve just tempted the cosmos’s sense of irony. I fully expect to die in a freak midnight apartment fire while the dog sleeps soundly at the Airport Hilton.

I am looking forward to their visit. They’re nice people. But they better not give Tanya a hard time. See, parents who have children in committed relationships don’t quite understand what happens when they tease their own children. When they purposefully make things just a little bit difficult for them, you know, to get a little revenge or something.

For parents of women everywhere; I know you’re just having a good time. I know that your kid may be a little “big for their britches” what with moving out and being self-sufficient and all. But if your child has a boyfriend, don’t make jokes about her standard of living or choice of nail color or anything. Like how the people in L.A. (or Omaha or Utica or wherever) are sooo weird and how they’re rubbing off on their little girl because she painted her nails purple one time last year…Citified!

Don’t do that stuff. Why waste her energy? Every time you get the urge to tease your daughter, cut out the middle-man and just hit her boyfriend real heard over the head with a baseball bat.

I’ve got to find a helmet of some kind.


Fun Fact: The state of Arizona has many wonderful things to offer other than monogrammed Dalmatians. It’s the 6th biggest state in the union and is chock full of minerals like copper, gold, silver and the ever important molybdenum. But it’s only the 20th most populace state which means that there’s plenty of elbow room.

The site that I’ve gotten this info off of lists one the industries in the Arizona as “Tourism.” A lot of states list this as an industry. People will visit just about anything. Hell, the moon’s not a state (yet) but its biggest industry is also tourism, and let’s face it, they’re not planning to build a Sandals there anytime soon.

In fact, if you live someplace that doesn’t list tourism as one of its industries; I would seriously consider moving…because you probably live in one of the Dakotas.

But seriously, plan a visit to Arizona today! Where else can you find the Grand Canyon and molybdenum?!

It’s like chocolate and peanut butter!

And don’t forget to pick up a souvenir rescue dog. Ditat Deus!


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