And I need them. You would think that the Christmas CD would be enough. I’ve been working on it since August. But noooo, turns out that Tanya would actually like to have a present to open on Christmas day.
Sure, just because she got me a bunch of stuff…
So sometime soon, I’ve got to make a trip to the mall. Unfortunately, I don’t have a car at the moment. Mine got sick of sitting around, neglected, for months at a time and decided to stop working.
So, here I sit. No car. No job. Oh, yeah, my job writing movie synopses for that “Big Online DVD Rental Place” has finished (at least until January. I’m going to milk this thing until the udders fall off). The Christmas album is done. I’ve got nothing to do. Except to buy Tanya a Christmas present. And write the next great screenplay.
Both of those are equally hard. I’m horrible about buying presents. I never know what to get people. I’ve been accused of being thoughtless. It’s not wholly true. I also don’t buy gifts because I become certain that the recipient will be thoroughly unimpressed with my selection. Better to be selfish than blasé, I always say.
No, I never say that.
Don’t worry, I’ll find something for Tanya. She’s a bit insulted that I can’t figure out what to get her. She shouldn’t be. I can think of a thousand things that I could get her. But really, would you want…
Okay, I was going to make some witty remark there and include an inane item that she always seems to need. But I can’t think of one. Maybe she should be insulted? But when my brain isn’t forced to think, it’s truly takes the day off.
Hair dye! There. Hair dye. Perfect. I can think of a thousand things that I could get her. But really, would you want… hair dye for Christmas?!
That’s kind of funny, right? And not at all embarrassing for her.
I can’t get Tanya hair dye for Christmas. I offered to get her a toaster oven for Christmas. She said “a toaster oven isn’t a Christmas present.” Normally, I would agree. But, honestly, she’s been bugging me to get a toaster oven for 5 years now. If I finally got something I’ve been wanting for the last 5 years, I would be very happy to get it on Christmas. Other people would kill to see a toaster oven under the tree on Christmas day. Think of all those starving third world children with the flies in their eyes who don’t even have toaster ovens! They have to eat their bread raw! Untoasted anyway. And when they only want to broil one steak, they have to heat up the entire house! And it’s hot in most of those starving countries! Hot or cold. Always extreme anyway. Look, starving people of the world, you live in a desolate wasteland. There’s no food. I wouldn’t move to Palm Springs and complain about the overabundance of retired Jewish folks, would I?
No, I wouldn’t. I would never move to Palm Springs anyway. It’s hot there. If those retired folks weren’t so damned rich they would starve. But they probably all own toaster ovens.
Old people love toaster ovens.
Old People and Tanya.
But, noooo, I can’t buy Tanya a toaster oven for Christmas.
Oh, don’t get me wrong, we bought the toaster oven. Last night. It’s sitting in the kitchen with baited breath, waiting for its first slice of bread. It just didn’t count as a Christmas present.
I think I’m being conned.
I’m very bored.
But it’s amazing how uninteresting one’s life becomes when they’ve got nothing to do. It also leaves me with no good blogging material. Not even the news helped out this morning. A bunch of people were killed in the Middle East this morning. That’s not great blog fodder. It’s very sad.
Hey, I made some coffee! How’s that for interesting?! It’s great coffee. I put creamer in it. Woohoo! Creamer!
Let me take this time to mention my coffee maker. It’s quite possibly the best coffee maker I’ve ever owned. And, for someone who doesn’t really drink a lot of coffee, I’ve owned quite a few.
It’s a Melita Fast Brew with a 12 cup carafe. Paper cone filter. It’s remarkably fast. Not as fast as your commercial type machines, but pretty darned fast. It’s got a clock. It’s programmable. But the best feature is the pitcher design. It’s “tear drop” shaped with a perfect pour spout. That means that my days of watering the entire countertop while trying to make coffee are over. Truly an exceptional machine. And inexpensive. You can find them at Target.
To sum up: I’m bored. I’m boring. My car won’t start. I have to go to the mall. We have a new toaster oven. Something about hair dye. Kids in Palm Springs are starving. The Melita Fast Brew rocks. And my brain took the morning off.
Fun Fact: It seems as if the days are getting shorter. I swear, today will probably be like the shortest day of the year! I hope they start getting longer soon. I’m tired of getting drowsy at 4:30pm.
Happy Winter Solstice everybody. Eat some granola or buckle on some pleather Birkenstocks or do whatever it is that you people do on this most sacred of holidays.
Hey, why not listen to some Berry White? Put some soul back in the Winter Solstice!
Or you could check out the new TAM Cartoon! Which is up. Solid.