Monday, December 06, 2004

Lindsay Lohan is a Hooch

Today I’d like to discuss two things that I’ll never forgive for usurping my attention. Lindsay Lohan, obviously, is one of those things.

She was on Good Morning America this morning talking to Dianne Sawyer. I used to hold out hope that Dianne had better things to do with her time than talk to Lindsay Lohan about her burgeoning singing career. I hold out hope no more.

I’m trying my damndest not to let one skanky “teenager” (yes, there is some question) ruin my respect for Ms. Sawyer. Dianne is a classy chick. But I’m starting to wonder if I’m not rooting for the devil here. Let’s not blow this out of proportion, Dianne Sawyer is not the anti-Christ. But today, in the ballgame of good vs. evil, she was definitely sitting on the wrong bench.

Lindsay Lohan is just the latest “teen-actor-turned-pop-star” phenom. It’s sad. What do they have to offer? Insight? A lifetime of lessons? Great music?

They have none of that. Their songs are nothing special. Mainly because these girls don’t actually write them. Why do teenagers fall for it?

Here’s a little insight I’ve gathered through a lifetime of lessons, teenagers: the songs that you think are “like, really good” are actually written by people like me. Grumpy and like old. They’re not written by legends in the music biz (none that you’ve ever heard of anyway). They’re not written by teenagers. You’re all victims of a vicious propaganda snowball. It’s all fake. It just keeps getting more fake. You’re all suckers.

Here’s another blow, kids. That TV show, “Life As We Know It,” is written by people who went to high school before you were born. And when they were in high school, they were nerds.

Anyway, I’m just bursting bubbles here. Let’s get back to Lindsay Lohan.

So, Dianne Sawyer was interviewing her and they show a clip from her latest music video. There’s Miss Lindsay, hair wetted down, arms above her head, stumbling around like she just donated too much blood and forgot to eat the cookie.

And, oh yes, there was pelvic thrusting. But that’s what women do when they put their arms over their heads, right? They thrust their pelvises. If you watch a lot of videos, you’ll agree, there’s really no other reason for a woman to put her arms over her head.

Lindsay definitely wasn’t giving herself a breast exam.

I might have watched that. But no, she was just hoochin’ it up for the camera. Lip-synching and gyrating.

Then they cut back from the video clip to Dianne Sawyer who says reluctantly, “you look like you were having fun.”

I’ll say.

But one thing she definitely didn’t look like she was having was talent. Lindsay Lohan is a waste of space.

Now to my second gripe of the day. Tanya and I went to FOX this past weekend to see “The Grudge.”

Now, I’m no stickler. I like bad movies. I own “The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen” and “Surf Ninjas.” But I do ask that my movies have some kind of lucid story. And if there are going to be pointless characters, at least have them do something cool!

If you haven’t seen “the Grudge,” don’t. It’s nothing but a “soundtrack and startle” flick. The creepy music swells and then…boo! Scared ya’!

But this film was like a watching horror porn. The entire premise of the film was just an excuse to set up scary situations. Guy/girl enters house, guy/girl hears strange noise, music swells, guy/girl gets jumped at by either a ghostly, bug-eyed apparition or a screeching cat-boy.

That’s it. That’s the entire movie. Seriously. Sure, it’s scary. But I’ll come to your house and jump and yell at you for two hours for only $3. And I’ll even go to the trouble of creating some kind of simple plot.

Let’s make it $4. I have to buy gas.

I can’t wait until “The Grudge II: Still Quite Upset” comes out! I hope it also has rat-faced SMG in it.

Sorry, SMG, I don’t hate you, but really, you do kind of have a rat-face. And “The Grudge II” is just about the worst idea ever.

I’d rather watch a 3-hour documentary on Gilbert Gottfried’s nose hair. But who wouldn’t!

Wait, I do have to give it up to the Grudge’s sound effect dept. Thank you for creating a monster sound effect so ridiculously simple that even I can imitate it. Hours of fun!

Fun Fact: A little advice. Look around your parent’s home. Find all of the really horrible pictures of yourself that may be hidden there. The ones with your hand on your chin. The ones with that little ghost picture of you in the corner. The ones with the horrible high school acne and bad hair. But, most importantly, the ones with any kind of hideous border like roses or “class of ‘91” or something.

Then…burn them.

Because, god forbid, if something horribly tragic happens to you, like…accidental death at the hands of negligent plastic surgeons, it will be the picture that your parents choose to hold during their national television interview.

Just a head’s up.

Oh, and don’t get plastic surgery.

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