Tuesday, December 07, 2004


Yes, the world has kept on spinning. Imagine.

As I said yesterday, Lindsay Lohan was on Good Morning America. I was mortified. But I wish that I would have actually watched her concert. It turns out that she was busted for lip-synching.


Yeah, you heard right. Lindsay lip-synched. The excuse lottery was put into effect. Lindsay first drew from the hat, “I’m sick,” followed by “those vocals were simply ‘supplemental’.”

Sadly, the great Ashlee Simpleton debacle has taught the world...nothing.

Now, as most of you already know, I’m a musician. I also never sing live. In light of this recent trend in popular music, I’ve come up with some new excuses for up-and-comers who insist on singing live. These excuses have been pooled from my many years as a rock and roll legend:

Oh…my…God…[your name here], what were you thinking?! It’s quite obvious that you were lip-synching! What do you have to say for yourself?!

1. “My voice is so beautiful that listening to it live would cause you fall into a meditative coma from which you may never recover.”

2. “The karaoke machine was threatening me with legal action if I didn’t let it perform at least once this year.”

3. “My boobs will get jealous if my voice becomes the star of the show.”

4. “I was doing you a favor…trust me.”

5. “If my fans find out that I can’t sing, how do you expect me to continue being a singing sensation?!”

6. “Well, duh.”

Lindsay Lohan is still a hooch.

Also, there has been released yet another list! Yeah! Another list! I’m not sure if it’ll make my “All Time Greatest ‘All Time Greatest Lists’ List” or not, but it’s worth a mention.

It’s the “Top 10 Cheesy Movie Lines” list. Go here for the complete list.

Here are the top two:

1. Titanic - "I'm the king of the world!" (Leonardo DiCaprio)

2. Dirty Dancing - "Nobody puts Baby in the corner." (Patrick Swayze)

A good top two if you ask me. They’re definitely cheesy. But let’s talk about the list a little bit.

As far as “top lists” go, this one is pretty good. As opposed to the “top 500 rock songs ever written” which is interminably long, this list is very wieldy. You could even memorize it if you so chose (please don’t choose to).

Actually, if I had any complaint (and I’m not talking about content here), the list is too short. It doesn’t allow for people to wax nostalgic as much as a list like this should. The perfect list would probably be about 30 cheesy lines. 50 is a nice round number, but it’s too much for a list like this. If you were only dealing with movie titles, 50 would be perfect. But these are entire lines from films. That’s already a lot of words.

So, good list people. That’s my two-cents. Please make better lists in the future.

I was also saddened to learn that no lines from the college movies I wrote and directed made the list. They’re really cheesy. But I guess there’s a difference between cheesy and bad. Plus, no one has seen my college movies.

Good list people, I submit some lines from my movies for your next, more perfect, list:

From Norman: “That’s the life of an all night systems analyst. Tough gig, huh?”

From A Dogg Hamlet: “I hope you’re happy together! And, I hope you know that you’re sleeping with a raging stalker!”

From Chute, Shoot, Chut!: “Would you stop playing with the dead body and come over to your post?!”

Thank you for your consideration. TAM.

Fun Fact: The world is a huge place. Every second of every day…of every month…of every year (yes, even those crazy Aztec ones)…somewhere in the world…someone is “looking” at “something.”

It boggles the imagination.

Why don’t you be one of those lucky people and look at the latest TAM Cartoon, because it’s up!

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