Tuesday, November 23, 2004

The Definition of Narcissism

Listening to a CD of yourself singing Christmas songs while writing a blog post.

I’m sure that the Dictionary has a different definition. But they’re wrong and I’m right and they know it.

So Tanya and I are heading out to Big Bear this week for Thanksgiving. We’re renting a place with some other people. It would make me feel like I’m back in college except that two of the couples have babies.

So, I guess it makes me feel like I’m back in high school?

Ah, teen pregnancy, always good for a laugh. But seriously, babies?! When did I become an adult? It was certainly nothing that I did. Leave it to the people around you to make you feel old. They don’t realize that they’re doing it either. They say things like “I can’t believe [insert baby’s name here] is already [insert age here]! Man, do I feel old!”

Yeah, thanks, pal, I might feel sympathy…if I weren’t three years older than you! Thanks for nothing. Now we’re both old.

But at least I don’t have a baby. Ha ha baby-makers! Even a cute one. Yes, the “babies” (in quotes because I don’t consider them really babies, like pre-toddlers or something) are cute. Cute, cute, cute. But that’s how they get you! They give you the ol’ “tender eye” and the second you turn around to congratulate your friends about how cute the kid is, they turn into screaming poop wallowers.

The kids, not the parents.

Don’t be fooled. Babies grow into horrible monsters. Ask your parents. They’ll tell you. You’re one of them. Don’t deny it. And you’re probably one of the good ones. Think about it, I know that I’ve been through a lot in my life. Things that made me grow into the person that I am today. I feel like I’m at least a so-so kind of guy. I could be worse. I haven’t slaughtered the squirrels that live in the tree outside or anything. Not yet anyway. But think about all of the dumb things that you did as a kid or teenager. To you, those things were hiccups in the road to responsible adulthood. To your parents, they were small crisis. Times when they wondered if you were going to turn into some kind of psychopath or sociopath or Paris Hilton or something.

If your parents tell you any different, they’re just trying to protect your feelings – or they’re looking for grandchildren. Beware! Misery loves company. And grandchildren are the ultimate “I told you so.” Watch out, because moms and dads also know how to give the ol’ “tender-eye.” They’ve seen you do it for years. And as we all know, we only give the tender-eye when we do something bad.

So this Thanksgiving, if you see a loveable twinkle in you mother’s eye, watch out, she wants you and your significant other (or insignificant other…best friend…occasional acquaintance…the lady outside the 7-11…) to make babies!

Or she just wrecked your new Camero.

To sum up. We’re going to Big Bear (Running Springs) for Thanksgiving, there will be babies there, we had to go on a horrific turkey hunt last night (I really didn’t mention this before, but here it is now, pretend like I talked about it), we were all horrible children, grandchildren are the result of pressure put on for the sake of morbid payback, my mom’s a saint (thanks mom for the Halloween presents and birthday gift…but, Halloween was a while ago and my birthday was in August…thanks anyway, I’ll call you soon), I’m listening to myself sing Christmas music, I’m old, …you’re also old, the lady outside the 7-11 wants to have my babies and I’m a narcissist.

So, really, nothing new. I have to go. The squirrels that live in the tree outside are starting to get in my head – and there’s a reckoning coming.

Fun Fact:
We’re looking for great ideas for the cover of the Christmas Album this year. Last year, I just did some paper cut-outs, but this year I want something different. Something both incredibly spectacular and obscenely simple. Any suggestions?

And, the Thanksgiving edition of the TAM Cartoon is up. (There won’t be another cartoon this week, sorry. Peruse the archives…it’s full of surprises)

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