Friday, November 05, 2004

Sick Day

No, it’s not the flu, damnit. I’m just not feeling very well today. These are the days that I lament my lack of health insurance. But then I realize that even if I did have health insurance, my overwhelming fear of doctors would keep me from taking action anyway. I’m never sick enough to go to the hospital.

And neither should you be. Never get that sick. Ever. I’m warning you! Why I aughtta…

Needless to say, this blog post will be another quick one today. There’s really nothing to talk about anyway. So I’m just going to sit here incessantly sniffling while I listen to Lambert, Hendricks and Ross and write the most mediocre movie synopses you’ve ever read. (Not counting the ones at IMDB)

The new TAM Cartoon is up, that’s something, right? Sure it is. Just read it over and over again until you feel like you got your money’s worth today.

But really, how can “that big online DVD rental place” expect me to write good synopses when I’m sick? Especially when I’m writing synopses for inane DVDs. Here’s a good example of what a dumb DVD and sickness give birth to: (especially without the benefit of editors)

Swing Craze

Swing music has made an enormous resurgence and with it came a rediscovery of swing dancing. In this exciting DVD, professional dancers take you step-by-step through the fast and furious moves and introduce you to the cool lingo, the culture and the history of swing. Vintage clips and modern demonstrations offer easy-to-follow instruction that give even the most novice beginner a chance to cut a rug with the best of the zoot-suited hep cats.

Wasn’t that fantastic? I know, you’re asking yourselves, “they pay this moron for crap like that?!”

Hold that thought while you enjoy these gems:

Killer from Above

A mysterious fighter is stalking the country, systematically annihilating the great martial artists. In order to save their own skins, a motley group of kung fu masters must stand against the unstoppable killing force. Their only hope for survival is to come up with a new fighting technique – a technique deadly enough to stop the dogged predator. Carter Wong and kung fu legend Lo Leigh star in this martial arts extravaganza from director Lo Chie.

The Last Duel

After a bitter defeat by his nemesis, a legendary martial arts master recuperates at the strange Phantom Heights Resort. But as he convalesces, he learns that his mysterious masked host has concocted a brutal plot to destroy all martial artists and seize power. The master’s only hope to save his people is to team up with his arch foe against a relentless killing force in this kung fu opus from Lin Yuen starring Hwai Zi-Yuen and Hsu Feng.

The Chinese are nothing if not consistent. But they make my sinuses hurt. Hey, Hong Kong filmmakers, here’s a great idea: a young martial arts student witnesses the death of his master at the hands of a mysterious and deadly foe. Then he vows revenge. But before he can beat the mysterious master, he must first train like hell and defeat a small army of mindless thugs, all the while fighting through a deadly labyrinth of evil! What a unique idea!

Or, I suppose that you could have a loose-cannon cop out for revenge against the entire triad while protecting a loveable young child? That would be killer!

Well, would you look at that, I’ve managed to fill some space as well as educate you on the fine films available for rent online. But when you’re filling out you queue, don’t forget this masterpiece:

Dudley Do-Right

Relentlessly upright Mountie Dudley-Do-Right (Brendan Fraser) keeps the peace in the small town of Semi-Happy Falls. But perpetual baddie Snidely Whiplash (Alfred Molina) has concocted a plot to take over the town and usurp its semi-happiness. With a little pluck and loads of luck Dudley will do his best to protect the citizens and win the heart of horse-loving Nell (Sarah Jessica Parker) in this fun family adaptation of the classic cartoon.

Horse-loving Nell. That’s just great writing there.

Oh, and to answer your question, yes, they do pay me for crap like that.

Fun Fact: I watched Primetime Live last night. Dianne Sawyer was spending the night in a women’s prison.

It wasn’t nearly as erotic as I had anticipated.

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