Wednesday, November 10, 2004

You Can Never Really Go Holmes

No, not Sherlock…Katie.

We got the screener for First Daughter last night. I felt an obligation to watch it because Tanya’s in it (and Kathy too). Mistake.

I don’t understand the hype surrounding Katie Holmes. I never watched Dawson’s Creek. I never became a fan. I’m still not a fan. I’ll probably never be a fan. I don’t think she’s cute. I don’t think she can act. I think she needs to fade away into obscurity before she threatens the safety of the entire world.

Before anyone starts getting "all up on me" about this, think about something: How much can an actor’s celebrity principal purchase? Katie Holmes is some kind of “name,” I can understand that. But really…why? It’s time to cash out the loan Katie. You suck.

There are other celebrities with “name collateral.” Most of the time, if they have to use it, they’re in serious danger of default.

Tara Reid is one. As I learned lately, she’s bitching about the media and her “perceived” image. She feels that her treatment by the American public is somehow unfair. She can’t figure out why she gets labeled as a whore and talenless hack while her bud Paris Hilton just keeps climbing up the ladder of fame.

Here’s the distinction Ms Reid. You are a talentless hack. So is Paris. But the difference is that Paris can be anything she wants; a whore, a miscreant, a bumbling moron…but when she wakes up on the morning after, she’ll still be grotesquely rich.

Paris unfortunately doesn’t have to play the Hollywood game. She can afford to take “risks.” (I used quotes because I feel that you can’t take an actual risk if you’re stupidly ignorant of the consequences) You, my dear Tara, can’t. Perhaps it’s better this way. Better for us anyway. Take some pills, drink a beer, hit the streets of Florida and call it a night.

But honestly, acting like a human being would help.

Sorry, I got off subject. Katie Holmes should not be put in movies. I stopped watching First Daughter halfway through. It’s just not good.

I weep for Michael Keaton. And Forest Whitaker…what happened to you man?! You used to be Charlie Parker! I’m afraid that you too are going to have to refinance your career. I’ve seen Phonebooth (Katie’s bad in that too!). Get a grip Forest…but not like you did in the Crying Game.

Fun Fact: I was going to post some of the First Daughter “goofs” from IMDb. But one goof seemed to eclipse them all. It’s called the film.

But really, what can you expect from a movie with a story written by Jerry O’Connell (although, “My Secret Identity” was a kick-ass TV show).

And an open-mouthed smile makes a person look…mentally challenged. It’s a fact. I know, I do it all the time.

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