Tuesday, June 29, 2004

Dying Young, Some Advantages…

It's only an advantage if you are unable to see certain rated R movies.

Okay, don’t worry (or get your hopes up), I’m not dying young. But I did lose two hours of my life last night.

As most of you know, Monday night sucks for television. I’ve already seen all the Fear Factors and Las Vegas’. And when you’re poor like us, you don’t have cable so there’s no hope for a cool episode of Trading Spaces or anything.

Tanya decided to bring home something to watch.

Bad idea.

She brought home the screener for The Girl Next Door. You know the movie I’m talking about, right.

Yeah, the one with the chick that can’t act from the Fox hit show 24.

For any of you who have been spared from this movie, I’ll give you the rundown:

**Warning: Life saving spoilers!**

A bright young high school student is graduating with the hopes of attending Georgetown University. The problem is that he first needs to win a “morality” scholarship. But his plans take a back seat when a beautiful young girl, who is emotionally stunted and can’t act, moves in next door to housesit. They begin to fall in love, but when the kid finds out that the object of his affection is actually a porn star – he treats her like one and they split up. Blah, blah, blah…the kid and his friends end up making a pornographic sex education video. The end….or is it? Yes, it is.

I don’t have the time or the energy to list all of the things wrong with this movie. I’ll tell you though, that I won’t be surprised if the unrated version is billed as a “cumming of age movie.” Not that it’s all that dirty or anything, but it’s creepy enough. It’s trying to be a romantic comedy, a coming of age teen flick, and a retro 80s gross out sex pic all at the same time.

But the kicker is that all of the adults applaud the kid’s inventiveness when they’re shown the “Sex-Ed video" at the end. There’s nothing like making the entire class really horny when you’re trying to get them to think about safe sex.

You see, we borrowed this DVD, it was free, but I still feel like SOMEBODY OWES ME SOME FREAKING MONEY!

A little bit about screeners for those of you who may not know. They send these things out to vendors in the hopes that when the DVD comes out, video stores everywhere will have a bazillion copies sitting on the shelves. (They send them out for awards consideration too, but probably not this one.)

They’re actually promoting this piece of crap! And they want everyone in the world to see it.

I think, if he were still alive today, even Jeffrey Dahlmer would say “Hey, let’s not be cruel.”

Fun Fact: It’s three-for-one in the ol’ Fun Fact section today!

1) I got a haircut (why not get them all cut?! HAHAHA).

2) The new TAM cartoon is up.

3) I weigh less with no clothes on!


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