Thursday, June 10, 2004

Schoolhouse Crock

So, I’ve been watching my new-gotten Schoolhouse Rock videos, and I’ve been wondering why they don’t show things like this on TV anymore?

I’m sure that most people my age are wondering the same thing. After all, they taught many valuable lessons, right?

Who knows? I mean, I watched them all the time (how could you not, they were on during Saturday morning cartoons. And I never missed my cartoons) and yet, it still took until my adult life to fully understand the function of a preposition.

I’m also pretty sure that I’m not alone there either.

But, in this era of poor public education, wouldn’t it make some sense that they put things like this back on television? Understandably, doing so would be cause for the networks to have to admit that they are obligated in some way to the public good, and that might spell the end for shows like “Ultimate Love Test.” But come on, they were cool too. They still are.

They would need to updated, of course. Let’s face it, “Schoolhouse Rock” used the term “rock” pretty loosely. But it would be nice if the next generation knew the difference between a subject and a predicate.

Not only “Schoolhouse Rock,” but things like “I Hanker for a Hunk of Cheese,” “That’s a Saturday,” “When You’re Thirsty, Reach for Water,” and “They Call me Yuck-Mouth.” All of them educational classics. They’re right up there with “Free to Be You and Me.”

And they were absolutely FREE! It’s tough to get a quality free education these days.

The music has been re-recorded, but I think that if the people at ABC (the ones responsible for the show) just updated the animation a little (to take out the 70s style rainbows and stuff) the shorts could be a hit again.

I realize that times have changed since then, I was kind of amazed at how propagandistic the “history” SHRs were. Some things should be changed to reflect the times. So, I’ve come up with some lyrics for some new SHRs (yes, like they did on the Simpsons with “I’m Just a Bill). And since hateful revisionist history is becoming so popular…

Revisionist History Schoolhouse Rock:

Christopher’s Genocide

In fourteen hundred and ninety-two
Columbus had some work to do
He went off searching for pots of gold
And so he left the land of old.

He sailed and sailed the ocean wide
Until he reached the other side
And met some people with red skin
Who, in his way, they did get in.

And so he killed them
Oh yes he killed them
Until their bodies reached the sky
He took their land
He took their land
But for these peeps do not cry.

For if it weren’t for this great man
Looking for India but finding sand
This country wouldn’t be the best one that we see.
Oh thank you Christopher
Thank you Christopher
You’ve given us plenty of room
To drive our SUVs!

Thomas Jefferson Was a Big Fat Hippocrite

When our country was just a little bitty baby
Some men looked ‘round and said to themselves maybe
We could do something pretty great.

So they flipped off the king
As they scoffed at his diamond rings
And they set out to conceive the perfect state.

Where all men are created equal
And there would be no more evil
No man would slip through the cracks
Except, of course the Catholics, Jews, and Blacks!

Oh Tommy boy, your words seemed mighty fine
Tommy boy, go pour yourself some wine
Where other men must struggle through
You have your slaves do it for you

You know they think that you’re the pip
Until you hit them with your whip
Why don’t you have a middle name
You’d think it would concrete your fame

Oh Tommy

(They’ll make you president some day, kid)

New Grammar Schoolhouse Rock:

A Preposition is the Perfect Thing to End a Sentence With

You’re baby is crying
And your man’s not around
He should be home
And so you moan
He’s probably with that bitch downtown.

The one he’s got the other baby with.

Where has he gone to?
Why did he leave for?

You know that any minute he should be walking through that door.

Why do you take it for?
Where has he been to?

You’ll give him hell when he gets home
You guess you’ll call him on his phone;

Where you at?!
(where you at)
Where you at?!
(where you at)

Do you know what time it is?
And how long you’ve been gone for?

Where you at?!
(where you at)
Where you at?!
(where you at)

You see this why that I slept with your friend.
He treats me like he is a man.

Why do you do this too me for!

Fun Fact: As your body grows bigger, your mind must flower, it’s great to learn, ‘cause knowing is half the battle…wait…

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