Friday, June 25, 2004

Friday Friday Friday Friday

It’s Friday dontcha’ know. The new TAM cartoon is up!

I finally get to write this post from home! Yeah! Not that we’re done house-sitting, it’s just that the housekeeper is there and I don’t want to disturb her.

I hope she walks the dog. At least give him a good once-over with the Windex. He stinks and he’s lost his gloss. I don’t know why, I wiped him down with Armor-all just yesterday. Crap.

No one can say that I don’t know how to take care of a dog.

Anyway, I was watching this program on the History channel last night, all about the legend of King Arthur. (Not once did they mention the sword in the stone or the lady of the lake…jerks)

So I’m sitting there with the cat on my lap and it occurs to me that there will never be a legend like that ever again. It’s sad, really. At the end of the program, the host comes on and poses the question, “what will they say about our civilization 1000 years from now…?”

I’m guessing that he’s expecting some sort of nuclear Armageddon or something, a huge war that will wipe out all photos, paintings, videos, and films. I suppose that if the end of the world destroys every copy of every Van Damme movie ever made, it’ll be a good trade.

But think about it. No one 1000 years from now will say, “there once was a president who killed all the bad guys in the entire world with his bare hands and the planted a tree for every child stricken with a tragic disease!”

“Oh yeah? What was his name?”

“Ummm…Henry…uhhh…! Yeah, Henry Lukemsianopolis!”

“Really? Let’s go to the tape…”

Well that would kill that legend right there. We’ll just have to hope that in the future, no one will have access to VHS decks. Maybe they’ll have finally realized the folly of neglecting Beta.

It’s bad enough that historians everywhere are systematically destroying every folk hero ever created, now. Goodbye Johnny Appleseed, so long the part of Davy Crocket that kilt him a bar when he was only three, we’ll miss you Spiderman.

But now they’re attacking President Henry Lukemsianopolis! Damn you future-historians!

I’m going to start my own legend…um, I mean, I’m going to tell you all a true story. It’s about last weekend. It’s a story that I’ve been neglecting for far too long.

‘Twas on Juneteenth.
The National Hollerin’ Contest was in full swing over to Spivey’s Corner, North Carolina.
Meanwhile in the Kindom of Torrance, California,
One man called himself Sir Vincealaot was throwing his first ever party.
Sir Vincealot waseth no sprigeth chicken,
Yet, he had never fested with his friends in his own kingdom.

There was much regaling of ancient battles.
There was much Mindtrap being played.
There were many animals sacrificed that day for the feast of Juneteenth.

One of Sir Vincealot’s knights, named Sir TAMalot ate his weight in the burgers of ham.
It would take another trip to the smithy for him to fit back into his armour.

There were many Lords and Ladies there that day too.
Eight score and 2 million to be exact.
All more beautiful than the next.
Which sounds more flattering than it is…
It sort of depends on who you start the comparisons with…

No matter.
The Queen of England was there.
And so was the entire cast of the Simpsons.

They ate, they drank, they killed Sir Vincealot’s neighbours for slamming the door so damn much.
Then they covered themselves in the blood of their slain foes.
A good time was had by all…
Except the dead people.
Although, I secretly suspect that they were more angry about not being invited to the festivities than being horribly dismembered and turned into stew.

It waseth the besteth feast ever on this earth.
And so sayeth I.
God ye good den.

Not a very good story, but it’s all true!

If the police ask about me…I was fishing on San Francisco Bay…

Fun Fact: Okay, I’ve been battling myself all day about this one. Needless to say I’ve got a mean right hook, but my left hits like a girl.

Too bad that my right side is my evil side.

I’m going to share a quote with you all, a quote that I heard on the news this morning. I have to tell you that it made me laugh. It wasn’t supposed to. It’s a horrible story. I feel really guilty about laughing.

I feel even guiltier about making fun of this poor lady…

A lady whose daughter was killed because of the jealous ex-girlfriend of the daughter’s boyfriend. You got that? It’s really sad. Tragic.

But I can’t let it go. The problem is that I haven’t heard a quote like this before. Sure, you get the obligatory “she was so young…” “Why would anyone do something like this…” It’s all pretty much the same, because, let’s face it, when something as bad as this happens to a family, those are the only questions there are.

Unfortunately, there’s never a good answer.

I’ve looked, but I can’t find the article. Sorry. I swear that I mean no disrespect. Really. Also, I don’t mean to trivialize the tragedy that has befallen the family. And I’m really angry at the selfish, heartless, bitch of an ex-girlfriend.

All right, enough backpedaling, here’s the quote:

…What kind of person would…“take my daughter’s life when she hadn’t finished it yet!?”

I’m sorry.

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