Tuesday, June 01, 2004

Frustrating News Day

Aka TAM Tuesday!

I hope everybody enjoyed the long weekend. We house, dog, dog, and cat sat. I now can pinpoint the exact reasons that we don’t have any pets.

I’m not going to do that. Just be sure that I can.

I also lost about $14 on the horses this weekend. It’s kinda’ cool being able to say that. “Yeah, life’s fickle when you’re playing the ponies.” “Now I’m into Chubby Vito for 14 large!”

Okay, there’s no Chubby Vito, but $14 bucks is pretty large when you’re broke like me.

What else happened this weekend? Not much. The Lakers are going to the Super Bowl. That’s good.

As you probably already figured out, I don’t have much to say.

But there was plenty of frustrating news on TV this morning.

Okay, I’ve lost all my steam. I was going to talk about this woman who had her children taken away from her for making false molestation allegations during a child custody case. But since ABC.com can’t pull its head out of its butt and actually POST the freaking story, I’m not going to now.

It was on their stupid show! I just gave you the gist of it anyway. She was on there crying, “poor me! How could they do this to me?!”


Look, lady, you can’t make allegations like that just because you’re pissed off at the dude! It’s still under investigation. According to her, everybody, the police, the investigators, the court appointed guardians…everybody…is lying but her.

If the claims prove to be false, I say take the kids away from her. The guy is rich and lives in Malibu. I would rather live in Malibu that with my crazy ex- nude model mom.

Okay, so I commented on the story anyway. But I can’t check my facts. If you got a problem with that, remember, this is a blog, not a newspaper.

Man, I’m hostile. Sorry, I’m pressed for time and ABC.com just made me so mad!

In other annoying news: Good Morning America also ran a story about high school kids who have “friends with privileges.” Charles Gibson was stumped. “Friends with privileges? Does that mean that you get comped on an expense account?”

Seeing something like that makes me fear for my future. I wonder if I’ll be able to pinpoint the exact moment when I lose complete touch with the rest of the world? Will I be walking down the street and suddenly say, “Heezie Beezie?! That don’t make no sense! Is that a new McDonald’s menu item?...Wait…Oh, my god…I’m OLD!”

I can only hope that my out-of-touchedness grows in proportion to my dementia. Then I won’t know (or care) that I’m not cool anymore.

Anyway, there are these teenagers, and they’re being “so candid” about their sex life. I tell ya’, they got it down. I mean, they’ve just gone right out and figured out this great blessed world. You see, they have these friends, right, but these aren’t just ordinary friends, they’re friends…with privileges!

Now, I’m not going to insult your intelligence by explaining what that is. After all, I can pretty much say, with complete certainty, that this concept isn’t new. It’s been around the block a few times.

Here’s the funny thing, though. These kids think that they’ve gotten all the bugs worked out of it. Now the process has been perfected.

That’s good, because it used to turn into a huge sobby mess. I’m glad it’s fixed. Not for me, but for those of you who crave unemotional sex.

But the teens on the show claim that they don’t actually have sex, it’s an anything-but sort of deal.


At least they’re being honest and candid. Maybe if their parents weren’t watching…

And, what crime did these kids commit to be forced onto this panel? I would think that the info would be a little tainted if they just volunteered. Either they’re lying, or it’s a bigger problem than anyone is aware of. We all know that the kids who volunteer are never the worst of the bunch.

These teens claim that there is no emotional attachment. They can just bang and run, so to speak. Sure, they can. They’re teenagers! They have an emotional attachment to their LUNCHES!

Stupid kids. Heezie Beezie, that don’t make no sense…Oh my God!...

However, if you missed the show, you missed one of the best morning news moments in recent history. The panel consisted of a 17 year-old girl and two boys, one 15 and the other 16.

So, Charlie Gibson is interviewing them and the “anything-but” part comes up. So, okay, we all infer that it means oral sex. But evidentially Charlie didn’t have all the info that he wanted. This was his next question (as good as I can remember).

CHARLIE: (to girl) So…that means…you…guys…oral. But does it…do they…are the…mutual…is it a two way street?

17 YEAR-OLD GIRL: I would hope so!

Ha ha! Slutty teens are so witty!

I was waiting for Chuck to ask for a little detail. He didn’t. His question had been answered. I guess the teenage sex thing isn’t that big a deal now. As long as everyone is treated equally, how could it be?

Charles Gibson, emancipator of the sexually neglected teen.

Fun Fact: I’m glad that I didn’t fall down a well when I was a baby. Poor Baby Jessica just graduated from high school and we’re still calling her Baby Jessica! She’s 17! She’s not a baby! She’s old enough to go to college and have friends with privileges!

I wouldn’t want people calling me baby TAM. Unless it meant that they still thought I was cute. “Oh look, Baby TAM is smoking a cigarette! That’s adorable!”

Besides, what I do in wells in nobody’s business but my own!

Way to go Jessica, you’re the only celebrity I know of who made a name for herself by blamelessly doing something completely stupid.

And the new TAM cartoon is up!

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