Friday, June 04, 2004

I Bring You Greetings…From FRIDAY!

Yeah, Friday said to say “Hi.”

I saw a news item on KTLA (LA’s WB) this morning. It stated that manufacturing dust found on computers may cause birth defects.

May cause birth defects.

Is that really news? They went on to say that it hasn’t been scientifically proven yet so don’t stop using your computers just because of the story.

Again, I tried to find the story on their site. Again, I’ve failed. To give them the benefit of the doubt, though, I only have a dial-up internet connection so I have a tendency to get frustrated easily and give up too soon.

But, back to my point.

You would think that if this story was so important, they wouldn’t hide it on their website, right? The fact is that it’s not an important story; just something to fill the time between the traffic, the weather, the inane banter and the review of the new Harry Potter movie.

Do the “filler” stories have to be so sensational?

Let me be the first person ever to state that the news is just becoming too sensationalistic.

Here KTLA, I’ve got some good story ideas that could possibly scare some of your viewers and fill a good deal of time:

Adidas brand basketball shoes may be linked to obesity. One Los Angeles man stated on Friday that since he purchased his Adidas basketball shoes five months ago, he has gained twenty pounds! There have been no formal studies of this phenomenon, but still – watch out fatty!

Purchasing expensive hair brushes may cause unemployment. One Los Angeles woman was laid off, along with her boyfriend, after purchasing a hair brush for $60. Unfortunately, even though the brush was returned, the job didn’t come back. The woman said, “My Boyfriend never did fully recover. He really loved that brush. The job…not so much.”

They’re both really sad stories. But don’t get too sad, they’re really true.

Oh, that’s even sadder.

The problem with the “mutant baby/computer dust” story is that if it’e ever proven false, we’ll never hear about it. There will be people sitting around in a couple of years wondering what ever happen to…


GERTRUDE: I haven’t used my computer for three years.

BETTE: Why’s that Gertie?

GERTRUDE: Because I don’t want to have deformed babies.

BETTE: Gertie, you’re seventy three. Besides, they found that it wasn’t actually computer dust that caused the birth defects. It turns out that the mothers were actually taking angel dust.

GERTRUDE: Like Peter Pan?

BETTE: No, that’s pixie Dust.

GERTRUDE: Oh, like Cinderella’s godmother used to turn her into a late night hussy?

BETTE: No, honey, that was fairy dust.

GERTRUDE: I thought fairy dust was what they used to use in the old west, you know, some surly prospector would carry it in his pouch, belly up to the bar and say “gimme a big pinch worth of your best whisky, pardner!”

BETTE: I think you’re thinking of gold dust. I’m talking about angel dust, honey, you know, it makes you high and you think you can fly?

GERTRUDE: Oh, like Peter Pan!

Sorry about that. Bad example, Gertrude is a midnight drinker. But you get the point.

The media sucks and don’t use your computers unless you think it would be cool to have a baby with flippers instead of arms.

Fun Fact: Opinion is not news. Unless it comes out of the mouth of a celebrity. But even then, the fact that it’s news is a matter of opinion.

Woah, man…heavy.

Oh, yeah, the new TAM cartoon is up! Yeah ME!

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