Saturday, March 06, 2004

Everything that you ever wanted to know about sex* *(told to you over and over and over again)

Cosmopolitan Magazine.

Now, I have to make a “guy confession” here, I read Cosmo. Not because I want to, necessarily, but Tanya buys it…so I read it…5 minutes at a time.

Now, every time Tanya buys this magazine, I ask her why she does it. She always says, “I don’t know…I need something to read.” I’m sure that Tanya isn’t alone here. The magazine still sells well after all these years so women everywhere must be buying it, and there must be some reason for that, right?

I don’t think so.

Looking at the cover of this month’s issue (and choking on some nerve gas that Giorgio Armani calls SeNSI, the lower case “e” is for extra saran) I can’t find a single reason that women would continue to want to own this thick piece of tripe. With “cover stories” like ”Men on Sex: Guys share 75 awesome bedroom tricks…””Guy-Speak, Translated: Finally, we explain his maddening silences…”and “Little Signs He’s The One” how could you even take this rag seriously? Do you look at that and say, 75 awesome bedroom tricks?! They already gave us 75 last month! That’s like…150 altogether! That’s a lot of awesome bedroom tricks!?”

I’ll let you in on a secret here, Cosmo readers. There aren’t that many awesome bedroom tricks. Oh sure, there may be that many tricks, but they couldn’t possibly all be awesome.

I know, I know. You’re all saying that you don’t take the magazine seriously. Liars. Why buy it then? Look, I was into novelty magazines too, but I stopped buying MAD and Cracked a long time ago. I don’t have to buy those magazines anymore…I’ve got Cosmo. Now.

Okay, I’ve just destroyed my entire argument. You win ladies, are you happy now? You beat up the femmie guy who reads Cosmopolitan. Yeah you.

But here is something that I can’t forgive Cosmo for. The “Guy Confessions” section is a total crock! You can’t tell me that those were actually written by guys?! Guys don’t use expressions like “sack session” when talking about…whoopee. Especially the guys that do what these “guys” claim to do. Now I don’t expect Cosmo to use terms like…forgive me…”deep ballin” or anything, but I do expect them to be little more plausible. The editors at Cosmo might have pulled that one over on me if they hadn’t used the exact same expression…on the cover! And I know that wasn’t written by a dude.

There is another magazine that I know of (besides Seventeen) that uses highly edited unbelievable stories and pawns them off as “reader mail.” It’s called Penthouse.

(Sorry guys, those stories are fake. Your twin roommates don’t want to get it on with you.)

Does this mean that “Guy Confessions” is some kind of female fantasy? Do women really want the guy that bangs his ex-girlfriend in the bathroom while his current girlfriend is ordering the antipasto? My instinct says no.

But what do I know? I read Cosmo for crying out loud.

Okay, I’ve asked some hard questions today and made some tough points, even if I couldn’t protect my masculinity. I really am very masculine. You’re just going to have to trust me on this one.

Now I have to go because there’s a new episode of Trading Spaces: Boys vs. Girls starting any second now.

Fun Fact: Tanya says that she’ll stop buying Cosmo when I stop buying cigarettes. I think she has a real addiction.

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